Ratatouille

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Chloe Fineman

John Krasinski

Rattitue… Kyle Mooney

Bugatue… Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

[Starts with a man and a woman on a bed]

Chloe: Wow. That was incredible.

John: Yeah?

Chloe: I gotta be honest, my expectations were really low considering you insisted on wearing your top hat the whole time. But seriouly, that was amazing.

John: Oh, thanks.

Chloe: What’s your secret?

John: Look, I’ll tell you. But just promise you won’t freak out.

Chloe: I promise.

John: Okay. Well, you know how I said I studied abroad in Paris? I met someone there. You know what? Maybe it’s better if I just dhow you.

[John opens his hat. There’s a rat on his head. The rat is wearing a chef hat.]

Rattitue: Hi. My name is Rattitue.

John: He’s the one who controls me while we’re having sex.

Chloe: I don’t understand.

Rattitue: I can explain. You see, once upon a time, I learned to be a famous chef by studying a cookbook from cover to cover. Then one day, I discovered an even better book called Hustler Magazine.

John: So, what do you think?

Chloe: Well, it’s unusual.

John: You’re telling us.

Rattitue: Yeah.

Chloe: Well, I guess it’s not that weird and the important thing I that now I know the truth.

John: Yeah. Now, you know everything.

Rattitue: Well, not everything.

John: What do you mean, Rattitue?

Rattitue: Well, there is no easy way of saying this. So, I might just as well show you.

[Rattitue opens his chef hat. There’s a bug on his head.]

Bugatue: Hey, I’m Bugatue. You know where a veteran can get a massage around here?

John: I’m sorry. What do you do exactly?

Bugatue: Oh. I do something very simple and very important. I can look ta a disc and immediately identify if it’s a DVD, blu ray or a PS2 game.

John: And how often does that happen?

Bugatue: You’d be surprised. Never.

John: Oh. Looks like we don’t need you anymore.

[John flicks the bug away]

Bugatue: Oh, flicked again. That’s a bug’s life.

John: [to Chloe] So, do you still love me?

Chloe: Just promise me one thing. Never lose that rat.

John: Deal. Hey, Rattitue, start yanking.

Rattitue: Ah, hell yeah! Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Pete. He has a typewriter in front of him.]

Pete: In all my years as a sex critic, I have never seen such enthusiasm in the bedroom. As I watched my neighbors have sex through a telescope, it rocked me to my core. I give them two thumbs up. And as for me, I’m headed down to the subway with a bag full of shredded mozzarella to lure and capture my very own sex rat.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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