Rattitue… Kyle Mooney
Bugatue… Aidy Bryant
Pete Davidson[Starts with a man and a woman on a bed]
Chloe: Wow. That was incredible.
Chloe: I gotta be honest, my expectations were really low considering you insisted on wearing your top hat the whole time. But seriouly, that was amazing.
John: Oh, thanks.
Chloe: What’s your secret?
John: Look, I’ll tell you. But just promise you won’t freak out.
Chloe: I promise.
John: Okay. Well, you know how I said I studied abroad in Paris? I met someone there. You know what? Maybe it’s better if I just dhow you.[John opens his hat. There’s a rat on his head. The rat is wearing a chef hat.]
Rattitue: Hi. My name is Rattitue.
John: He’s the one who controls me while we’re having sex.
Chloe: I don’t understand.
Rattitue: I can explain. You see, once upon a time, I learned to be a famous chef by studying a cookbook from cover to cover. Then one day, I discovered an even better book called Hustler Magazine.
John: So, what do you think?
Chloe: Well, it’s unusual.
John: You’re telling us.
Chloe: Well, I guess it’s not that weird and the important thing I that now I know the truth.
John: Yeah. Now, you know everything.
Rattitue: Well, not everything.
John: What do you mean, Rattitue?
Rattitue: Well, there is no easy way of saying this. So, I might just as well show you.
Bugatue: Hey, I’m Bugatue. You know where a veteran can get a massage around here?
John: I’m sorry. What do you do exactly?
Bugatue: Oh. I do something very simple and very important. I can look ta a disc and immediately identify if it’s a DVD, blu ray or a PS2 game.
John: And how often does that happen?
Bugatue: You’d be surprised. Never.
John: Oh. Looks like we don’t need you anymore.[John flicks the bug away]
Bugatue: Oh, flicked again. That’s a bug’s life.
John: [to Chloe] So, do you still love me?
Chloe: Just promise me one thing. Never lose that rat.
John: Deal. Hey, Rattitue, start yanking.
Rattitue: Ah, hell yeah! Ha-ha-ha.[Cut to Pete. He has a typewriter in front of him.]
Pete: In all my years as a sex critic, I have never seen such enthusiasm in the bedroom. As I watched my neighbors have sex through a telescope, it rocked me to my core. I give them two thumbs up. And as for me, I’m headed down to the subway with a bag full of shredded mozzarella to lure and capture my very own sex rat.