Salt Bae

Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

Dave… Daniel Kaluuya

Mikey Day

David Beckham… Alex Moffat

Victoria Beckham… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with two couples at a fine dining]

Cecily: So glad we could do this. Lisa, you look so cute.

Ego: Thanks girl. This is where my steamy money went.

Cecily: I mean, it’s nice. It’s not $1200 nice.

Dave: This place is cool. Good choice, baby.

Mikey: Yeah. And I heard he’s actually here tonight.

Dave: Who’s here?

[Salt Bae walks to their table with a chopping board, a meat on it and a knife.]

Cecily: Salt Bae!

Ego: Oh my god, Salt Bae is at our table.

Dave: Good evening, bro. Got any specials tonight?

Ego: Oh my god. I know the specials. He’s going to give us the meat.

Dave: Did we order this?

Cecily: [taking a video] Shh! It’s happening.

[Salt Bae puts in the salt in his style]

Girls: Wow!

Dave: Wow. Didn’t know you like salt that much.

[Salt Bae gestures like he’s calling Cecily]

Cecily: You want me to salt meat?

Ego: Oh my god. Dave, you better get your phone out and film her.

Dave: Why?

Ego: This is why she’s here, dammit!

[Salt Bae is holding Cecily and helping her salt the meat]

Dave: That’s insane amount of touching with the waiter, right?

Ego: He’s not a waiter.

Dave: Well then, what is he?

[Salt Bae cuts a slice of meat and lifts it with the knife]

Cecily: Ooh! Drop it down my throat.

Dave: What?

Cecily: Babe, are you filming?

Dave: Yeah. But why are you eating like that though?

[Salt Bae puts a meat in Cecily’s mouth. Then he wipes her lips and walks away.]

Cecily: Hmm. Bye.

Ego: Bye, Salt Bae.

Dave: Right. So, I didn’t like that.

Cecily: Dave, that’s Salt Bae. He’s the most important chef in the world. Haven’t you seen his Instagram?

Dave: You get on, Sam bro.

Mikey: Yes, I think it’s cultural thing. Like, Salt Bae loves beautiful steak and Salt Bae loves beautiful women.

Ego: Wait, are you upset with Hannah or are you upset with Salt Bae?

Mikey: Yeah, because you can’t be mad a Salt Bae.

Cecily: Dave, Salt Bae is allowed.

Dave: No, no, no, no. It’s fine. Never mind. You’re having a good time. Enjoy the meat, babe.

[Salt Bae jumps in with another piece of meat]

Hello again, Salt Bae. Spanking the meat. I see you. I understand what you’re doing. Very good.

[Salt Bae moves near Cecily]

Cecily: Oh, my turn I guess. [Cecily slaps the meat] Oh! Oh, I love the way your meat feels.

Dave: It’s just not sanitary.

[Salt Bae moves near Ego]

Ego: Now it’s my turn to spank your meat.

Mikey: [filming Ego] Oh my god! Amazing!

Dave: Bro, you like this?

Mikey: No, I hate this.

Dave: I’d love to order a drink by the way.

[Salt Bae puts the meat on the chopping board and walks out]

And he’s gone. He’s gone.

Cecily: I am posting the video and tagging him.

Dave: I’m sorry, but this guy is giving me magician energy. You know? It’s a bit firsty.

Ego: Wait, are you jealous?

Dave: Of the meat mime? No.

Cecily: Oh my god, he DM’ed me.

Dave: What the hell did he say?

Cecily: [hiding her phone] Nothing.

[Salt Bae jumps in with the gold steak]

Mikey: Oh! The gold steak.

[Salt Bae pulls out a bone and moves near Ego]

Ego: Me?

[Ego opens her mouth wide open. Salt Bae puts in the bone.]

Mikey: Honey, you’re so lucky!

Dave: I’m feeling like we shouldn’t be watching this.

Mikey: I like to watch.

[Salt Bae moves near Mikey]

Me? No, I’m not beautiful like them.

[Salt Bae puts the bone in Mikey’s mouth]

Ego: Wow. You look so happy.

Dave: I don’t know if I like that. By the way, how much is it? How much is the gold steak?

[Salt Bae passes the bill on his knife]

Dave: Perfect! I’m getting charged $1100 to get cucked in front of David Beckham.

David Beckham: Salt Bae. Cool, right?

Victoria Beckham: Your girlfriend is absolutely stalling with the steak.

[Now, Cecily is on the table with her legs spread. Salt Bae is pouring salt between her legs. Cecily is moaning.]

Dave: That’s it! Sir, you’re an Instagram celebrity. You’re not better than me. I manage T-Mobile. And I worked hard to take my lady to dinner and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t salt her on our dinner table.

Cecily: [yelling at Dave, still her legs spread] Hey! Calm down. You’re embarrassing me in front of the Beckham Poshs.

Beckhams: We like it.

Dave: Anyone can slice meat. It’s not that hard.

[Dave tries to slice the meat]

Salt Bae: No, it’s very sharp!

[Dave cuts his thumb off. He is bleeding and spraying blood all over the place.]

Mikey: Oh my god!

Cecily: Hey, your thumb. You should take yourself to the hospital.

Dave: Take myself?

Cecily: Yes. We’ve got steak left.