Splitting the Check

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Jackie… Owen Wilson

Ego Nwodim

Waiter… Aristotle Athari

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Bob… Alex Moffat

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a group of adults at a restaurant]

Jackie: Anyway, I spent a lot of time defending sea world but they really do a terrific job with the fish.

Ego: Cool.

[waiter walks in with the check]

Waiter: Here’s your check. Whenever you’re ready. No rush.

Jackie: He was great, by the way. I think we tip him, right?

[Kenan nods his head]

Cecily: Okay. So, how should we do this?

Bob: I guess I could put it on my card?

Ego: No, no, you don’t have to do that.

Jackie: If it’s easier, we can just split it six ways.

Cecily: Well, some people had more than others.

Jackie: Did they?

Cecily: Let’s just go through and see who ordered what.

Jackie: Okay. That’s fair.

Cecily: Diet coke.

Kenan: That’s me.

Cecily: Coke zero.

Jackie: That’s me.

Cecily: Sprite zero.

Jackie: Me as well. Just obeying my thirst.

Cecily: Iced tea.

Heidi: Me.

Cecily: Arnold Palmer.

Jackie: Moi.

Cecily: Arnold Palmer with tequila.

Jackie: Ha-ha. Someone had to get the party started.

Cecily: Whole roasted chicken, extra potatoes.

Jackie: Sounds familiar.

Cecily: Flat iron pork chop, sub out broccoli for potatoes.

Jackie: Okay, no, no, no. Wait. That, I ordered for the table. Although, I probably ate the lion share of it.

Cecily: 98 ounce quarter house steak.

Jackie: Don’t look at me because I didn’t get that. I’m serious. I didn’t get that. There’s now way. Come on.

Cecily: There’s a photo of you on the wall eating it.

Jackie: Well, maybe.

Cecily: Four bacon cheese burgers to go.

Jackie: Okay, I’m off the hot seat. Bob, that’s you.

Bob: I’m a vegetarian.

Jackie: Little too much information.

Cecily: The Carson Daly, chicken broth and vodka.

Jackie: Yeah, I was trying to switch it up. A man cannot live on tequila alone.

Cecily: Five shots of tequila but leave them on the bathroom so my friends don’t find out.

Ego: I’m actually more concerned that you called us friends.

Bob: A dozen raw eggs still in the container.

Jackie: That I’ll admit was a little grocery shopping. I don’t expect you guys to pay for that.

Heidi: A bottle of your nicest white wine with a note that says, “Please take me back, Jennifer, I am so, so sorry. I know we can make this work if you just tell the judge you were lying.”

Jackie: They wrote that on the bill? Why? Just to embarrass me?

Cecily: No. They charged you because you asked for it to be done by a calligrapher.

Jackie: Beautiful.

Cecily: Bowl of turkey chilly with a rum floater.

Jackie: Did I do that? Urkle.

Cecily: Another small side of potatoes.

Kenan: That actually was me. Those potatoes did look good.

Cecily: And a Cadillac margarita.

Jackie: Hey, it’s 5 AM somewhere, right?

Heidi: AM?

Jackie: Is anyone else really blacking out right now?

[Kenan hits the table]

Kenan: Mr. Jackie St. Croix St. Thomas, we invited you to this meeting because you said you uncovered a map that would show us a true location of the holy grail.

Bob: We’ve been more than patient with you. Now produce the map at once!

Heidi: There are interested parties, [whispering] Nazis, who are mot eager to possess it.

Jackie: Great. I’m just gonna come clean. I’m not the successful dentist turned janitor turned influencer you all thought I was. And I don’t have the map. [Jackie slowly puts his hat] Because it belongs in a museum.

[Jackie stands. Everyone is shocked.]

Kenan: It’s him!

Cecily: Dr. Indianapolis Bones?

[Cut to outro]

Male voice: The adventures of Indianapolis Bones.

[Cut to the restaurant. Waiter walks in with a gun in his hand.]

Waiter: Not so fast, Dr. Bones.

Jackie: Nothing my trusty whip can’t handle!

[Jackie pulls out his whip. Waiter shoots at him and Jackie falls.]

Cecily: Oh! You killed him! You killed Dr. Bones in the first episode?

Male voice: Only on Amazon Prime. We’re still figuring it out.

 

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