Captain… Beck Bennett
Corporal… Kate McKinnon
McKenna… Carey Mulligan
Zachary… Mikey Day
Chloe Fineman[Starts with intro]
Male voice: You’re watching Paramount+, we thought of the plusing before Disney. We now return to the Startrek prequel: Starcharter Andromeda.
Captain: What’s the situation, corporal?
Corporal: It’s not good, sir. Solar flair scrambled the ship’s computers. All proportion and guidance systems have gone dark.
Ego: The ship is dead and we’re headed towards the Medusa blackhole.
Alex: If we cross it’s even horizon, there’s no escape.
Captain: How do we fix this?
Bowen: We’ve tried everything. Nothing seems to work.
Captain: There’s got to be a way. Does anyone have an idea?
McKenna: Hi. I know I’m just a Consol Lout, but maybe we can try unplugging it and plugging it back in?
Corporal: What? Are you serious? This is ridiculous.
McKenna: [being emotional] I’m sorry I’m such a big dumb idiot. [storms outside]
Zachary: McKenna, wait! [yelling] I cannot believe you just did that.
Captain: Who are they and what was that?
Bowen: I don’t know who they are but I always see them in the hallway having intense conversations in hush tones.
Alex: Yes. And according to the crew log, captain, they just graduated from a small expensive Star Fleet Academy.
Ego: You know, my gut tells me they’re just rich white kids who for the first time are experiencing a world that doesn’t revolve around them.
Corporal: Alright. Well, we’ve got bigger problems.[McKenna and Zachary walk back]
McKenna: Yeah. You’re right. Thank you, Zachary.
Zachary: I mean, they’re toxic. This whole place is literally toxic.
Captain: The anti-matter accelerator. We could route it’s power to propulsion systems.
Alex: The risk of overload is very high, captain. That is a very dangerous option.
Bowen: But it just might work.
Zachary: Um, excuse me?
McKenna: Zachary, don’t!
Zachary: No, they were wrong. McKenna is too polite and awesome and too beautiful to say it, so I will. I think you owe her an apology.
Corporal: I don’t owe her a thing. We’re dealing with a life and death emergency.
McKenna: [shocked] Stop gaslighting me. [storms out]
Zachary: McKenna, stop!
Corporal: What’s going on with your friend?
Zachary: McKenna is dealing with a lot right now, you have no idea.
Corporal: A lot? Is it worse than drifting into a blackhole?
Zachary: Yes. Her parents might be selling her childhood home.
Ego: Might be?[Chloe runs in]
Chloe: Zachary, McKenna is threatening to jump out into space.
Zachary: No! No, McKenna! Move! [storms out]
Captain: Should someone check on her?
Bowen: No. She threatens to jump out into space everyday. It’s fine.
Ego: Captain, if we’re going to power up the inter-matter accelerator, we need to do it now.
Alex: Think carefully, captain. The lives of every soul on board are at stake.[McKenna and Zachary walk in]
McKenna: I would like to speak my truth to you.
Corporal: Not now.
Zachary: Yes! Yes, now. Go ahead, McKenna.
McKenna: I will not let you take my power away. My name is McKenna McLord Davies and my voice has value.
Zachary: [pointing at Corporal] My best friend’s voice has value.
Corporal: [pushing Zachary’s hand away] Get your finger out of my face.
Zachary: Oh my god, let go of me. You’re hurting me.
McKenna: Stop killing him.
Chloe: [recording through phone] You’re on videotape, ma’am. Stop assaulting my friend.]
Corporal: I’m not. When a commanding officer asks you to do something, you do it. You understand?
Zachary: My arm. She broke my arm.
McKenna: You broke his arm.
Captain: Everyone, quiet! Look, we’re now approaching a blackhole. We’re already inside it.
Zachary: Sir, she broke my arm. I need the rest of the day off.
Captain: Put these guys in the airlock now![They throw three of them out in the space.]