Krissy… Carey Mulligan
Josh.. Kate McKinnon
Jason… Aidy Bryant
[Starts with Krissy and Josh are at Krissy’s room.]
Krissy: Thanks for working on that project with me, Josh. I think our diorama of the Bush family is really good.
Josh: Me too. Well, my mother won’t be here for another three quarters of an hour. I could wait by the door or clean something.
Krissy: No, stay. Let’s just talk. Here.
Josh: At your request. Alright.
[Krissy and Josh sit on a couch.]
Krissy: Well, Josh, I just wanted to say it’s been cool having so many classes with you.
Josh: Wow. Krissy, honestly, I could say the same.
Krissy: I love that your childless aunt brought you to the Galapagos. You showed you pictures to the class for an hour.
Josh: Well, your tortoise questions were very astute.
Krissy: Anyway, I just wanted to say I’m glad we’re hanging out.
Josh: Hanging out, you said?
Krissy: Yes. [puts her hand on Josh’s thighs] Hanging out.
Josh: Would you excuse me for a moment, Krissy? Because I am getting a phone call from doctor. [on the phone] Hi, is my best friend Jason there? Yes, I’ll hold.
Jason: Hello, Jason speaking.
Josh: Jason, you are not going to believe what’s going down. I am laying next to the hottest girl I have ever seen.
Jason: My good man.
Josh: I won’t say her name in case she can hear me, but I will give you a clue. She is Beyonce of our science class.
Jason: Roger that. Paint the picture.
Josh: Okay. So, we are currently in her bedroom on a papasan for two. And simply put, I’m afraid. What do I do?
Jason: Okay. Well, I’m glad you called me because I did have a girlfriend at a graphic design camp. So, tell me, what’s your body language?
Josh: Okay. I am sort of curled in a fetal position away from her on the phone.
Jason: Okay, what is she doing?
Josh: She’s looking at me.
Jason: Wow, my friend. We’re in a bit of a pickle. Okay, we need some wow factor. Why don’t you whisper a secret? Sensually into her ear?
Josh: Very good. [Josh calls Krissy to get close and whispers to her ear.] One species of jellyfish is immortal.
Krissy: Wow. That’s so cool. Thanks for telling me.
Josh: [back to phone] Okay, somehow that went well.
Jason: Cheers. Next things next. Do you have something that you could offer her? Perhaps as a gift?
Josh: Okay. One moment. [goes through his pockets] I have a hundred napkins. My inhaler. Okay, I actually do have a pair of rhinestone earrings I was going to give to the chorus teacher.
Jason: Oh! Ah-ha! I say, move the hair and see if the ear has the hole.
Josh: Okay. [moves her hair and looks for hole] Two. We’ve got a firecracker on hour hands.
Krissy: Everything okay with your doctor?
Josh: Yes, please hold. [on the phone] Jason, what’s next?
Jason: Okay, what is she doing?
Josh: Now she is looking at her gecko. Should I tell her plant life in the tank is not ideal?
Jason: Do you feel the gecko is in danger?
Josh: Not in danger but–
Jason: Well, then leave it well enough alone, my friend. There will be time for that down the road.
Josh: Good. Back to romance then I suppose.
Jason: Okay. Well, we want to keep her in the driver’s seat. Let your hand hover slightly over her. If she likes it, she ought to lift her hand to your’s.
Josh: Interesting. [Josh puts his hand raised over Krissy’s hand. Krissy holds his hand.] [on the phone] I have contact. She’s holding my hand.
Jason: Who is?
Josh: The girl.
Jason: Okay, so I’m out of my depth.
Josh: Jason. Jason. I need you to dig deep, please.
Jason: Okay. The time is right. Put your nose near her face and breathe.
[Josh moves close to Krissy and leans towards Krissy. Krissy looks at him and leans towards him too.]
Josh: It’s happening. Jason, she’s becoming in love with me. I can see it in her eyes.
Jason: Congratulations, old chap. Couldn’t have happened to a better man.
Josh: Jason, my life is changing. I must admit, I am afraid of losing you, Jason.
Jason: Neigh, my good man. We will always have each other.
Krissy: Can we kiss now?
Josh: Yes, we can. Jason, I will see you on the other side. [throws away the phone]
Jason: I dough doth cap!
