Heidi Gardner
Shel… Kyle Mooney
Brandon… Dan Levy
Dale… Beck Bennett
Chris Redd
Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon
PSY… Bowen Yang
[Starts with five friends getting ready to watch football in home. They’re all wearing masks.]
Heidi: It’s so good to see everyone.
Shel: I can’t believe we’re having a Super Bowl party.
Brandon: I know. Is this okay? Like, should we be doing this?
Dale: Well, I’ve been super safe.
Chris: Same here.
Shel: Me too.
Dale: So then, masks off?
[they all take their masks off]
Brandon: God, I feel so free.
Shel: We’ve all been so good. We deserve this.
Dale: Totally. We have. And full disclosure, not a big deal, Angie and I went to PF chains for her birthday. We ate outdoors. Relax.
Shel: That’s cool.
Brandon: You’re fine.
Chris: Man, I’ve been crazy with this covid stuff. I haven’t left my house at all. I mean, I have been to the grocery store and the laundromat.
Brandon: Yeah, of course. Food, clothes.
Chris: And obviously I’m still doing my wrestling club, so…
Dale: Yeah. But that’s just a group of what? 20-30 really nice guys?
Shel: Wrestling a few nights guys, dude, you’re good.
Heidi: Yeah. I mean, we’re doing everything right.
Dale: Exactly. I haven’t hung out with anyone outside of my pod in almost a year.
Brandon: Oh my gosh, I feel you. I’m on quarantine burnout.
Dale: Yeah. It’s just me, my wife, my brother… his wife, obviously their neighbor, his brother, my grandparents and their nursing home. Oh, and I go into work.
Brandon: Sorry. What is it that you do again?
Dale: I’m a mouth masseuse. I massage mouths.
Shel: Oh, that’s fine. I mean, you’re not kissing them, right?
Dale: Just hello and goodbye. And sometimes while I massage them.
Brandon: Yeah, but that’s work. We are doing everything right.
Heidi: Yeah. I don’t understand how people are still getting sick.
Chris: Well see, the problem is they’re going out and doing normal activities like seeing friends and stuff.
All: So stupid.
Brandon: So disgusting. What about you, Shel? Single guy over there? You look lonely and depressed.
Shel: Absolutely. Of course, now it’s all about zoom dating. For me, it’s just too awkward. So, I’ve been having raw dog sex with the strangers in the park.
Heidi: Outside with air, you’re fine.
Brandon: Yeah. For me, it’s just been Netflix, Netflix and more Netflix.
Chris: What have you been watching?
Brandon: Oh, no. For meetings, I’m flying all over LA, London, Brazil.
Shel: Well, you got the vaccine, didn’t you?
Brandon: Oh, yeah. Actually, I’ve got it. I’ve got it right here. [showing the vaccine in it’s small container]
Heidi: Are you gonna take it?
Brandon: Yeah. I mean, I take it everywhere I go.
Shel: Great thinking, Brandon.
Chris: Hey, we’re doing everything right.
Dale: Who’s hungry for my famous chilly? [everybody get excited] Because of covid, I don’t want to share utensils.
Brandon: Totally. Let’s be smart. Actually, I have some– Let’s just do this.
[Brandon sprays sanitizer on everyone’s hands. Then they all start eating with their hands sharing the food bowl.]
Heidi: Oh, look who became a chef. Yeah. I went viral on TikTok.
Chris: What? For dancing?
Heidi: No. For fit non-pudding.
Dale: Oh, TikTok. All the little videos.
Heidi: Dale. Did you spice this chilly?
Dale: Yeah, of course. It’s my famous chilly.
Heidi: Because I can’t really taste it.
Brandon: I can’t really smell it either.
Chris: Do you guys think that–
Shel: No. Dude, we’ve been doing everything right.
Heidi: We need a hug.
All: Yeah.
Dale: Hey, remember hug?
[they all hug each other.]
[the lights turn dark. Anthony Fauci walks in front of them at the spot light.]
Anthony Fauci: Hi, I’m Dr. Fauci. Right now you’re probably feeling like most Americans. Bored, horny and borderline nuts. I know I am. But what you just saw is the wrong way to Super Bowl. That’s why I partnered with Cheetos and durex condoms to remind you to Super Bowl responsibly. At home, in a mask, lights off, no friends. #ThisIsHowWeSuperBowl. [PSY walks in] And to help spread my messages, my good friend Kpop superstar PSY.
PSY: Covid Super Bowl
[starts singing like his song “Gangnam Style]
Co-co-co-co-covid Super Bowl
