The Muppet Show

5
(1)

Kermit the frog

Lily Tomlin… Melissa Villaseñor

Audience puppet 1

Audience puppet 2

Kenan Thompson

Keegan-Michael Kay

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Disley+, home of Wanda Vision, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, and the up coming Hawkeye and his boring ass family. And now, the muppet show.

[Cut to show intro]

Kermit the frog: Thank you, thank you. I am Kermit the frog and once again, to the ‘Muppet Show’. You all having a good time?

[Lily Tomlin and Audience puppet 1 are two puppets at the audience]

Lily Tomlin: We were. But then you came out.

Audience puppet 1: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kermit the frog: Our special guest tonight is the legendary actress, singer, write and comedian, Lily Tomlin. Yay!

[Audience puppet 2 walks in]

Audience puppet 2: Oh, please. Come on. Why do I say yes to stuff like this? I don’t know.

Kermit the frog: Wow! I can’t believe Lily Tomlin is here. Talk about a show stopper.

Lily Tomlin: Sounds great. I’d do anything for this show to stop.

Audience puppet 1: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kermit the frog: Friends, our show tonight is going to be a blast.

Audience puppet 1: Yeah. Because it’s a bomb!

Lily Tomlin: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Two securities walk in]

Kenan: Hey! shut up!

Lily Tomlin: Finally, something entertaining is happening.

Kenan: Hey! Shut up!

Keegan: Not going to tell you again, fella!

Kenan: Just shut up.

Keegan: What happens next is up to you.

Kermit the frog: Okay. Tonight, an incredible stunt by Gonzo the great and stand up comedy by Fuzzie Bear.

Audience puppet 1: As in his comedy will make you  stand up and go get a refund.

[Two securities walk in again]

Kenan: Ay! What did I just say?

Keegan: What he just said, fellas?

Audience puppet 1: But the show is–

Kenan: We don’t give a hot damn about the show.

Keegan: We work for the venue.

Kenan: That’s right. And the venue has rules. They are printed on the back of your ticket. Follow them and we won’t have a problem.

Keegan: Everybody here paid a good money to hear this little dragon and his friends do their thing. So please, let them do their thing without talking.

Lily Tomlin: But the show is bad.

Keegan: You are more than welcome to leave.

Audience puppet 1: But–

Keegan: You are more than welcome to leave.

Lily Tomlin: We just–

Keegan: You are more than welcome to leave. Do you understand? Sorry for the interruption, Kramer.

Kermit the frog: Kermit the frog.

Keegan: Okay. Well, please continue.

Kermit the frog: Thanks. So, Lily, are you excited for the show tonight?

Audience puppet 2: Oh, I suppose. They asked me to do a ‘grace and frankie’ parody called ‘grace and piggy’. What is this? Why am I here? I don’t know what I’m doing.

Lily Tomlin: You hear that? She said she doesn’t know what she’s doing.

Audience puppet 1: Then she’ll fit right in.

[Keegan comes behind them]

Keegan: Y’all gonna learn! Y’all gonna learn!

[Keegan starts beating up Audience puppet 1. Kenan runs in to stop Keegan.]

Kenan: Alright. Alright. You’re going to kill him.

Keegan: Get your hands off me, man. I’m good. He’s over here being disrespectful.

Kenan: Just drink some water, man, and cool off.

Keegan: Okay. I’ll go get some water.

Kenan: Look, guys. I’m sorry. Alright? Obviously, I’m not a big fan of this show either. I mean, it’s a mess back stage. Dude with orange hair just blowing things up. Penguin and chicken turds everywhere. Too mad cap for my taste. But love it or hate it, no more heckling. Alright? We good?

Lily Tomlin: Yeah, sure. Your friend’s insane, by the way.

Kenan: I know. I know. You okay sir?

Audience puppet 1: My eyes are swollen. I can’t even see the stage!

Lily Tomlin: Don’t worry. You’re not missing much. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Kenan starts beating up Lily Tomlin]

Keegan: You know what? You’re bounced.

Kenan: It’s time to go!

[Kenan and Keegan carry Lily Tomlin and Audience puppet 1]

Keegan: Snap! We didn’t realize you guys didn’t have no legs.

Kenan: Oh man, that is my bad.

Keegan: That’s on me, player. That’s on me.

Kenan: Sorry about that. We didn’t know y’all was veteran.

Keegan: Thank you for your service.

Kermit the frog: Would you guys keep it down up there? We’re trying to do a show.

Lily Tomlin: Yeah, trying and failing.

Kenan: Ha-ha. That one was actually pretty good.

Keegan: Y’all mind if I try one?

Audience puppet 2: Please.

Keegan: Hey, Kramer!

Kermit the frog: What?

Keegan: Hey, Kramer! You stupid!

All: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Keegan: That felt good.

Lily Tomlin: Good first effort.

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