Kourtney Kardashian… Kim Kardashian
Kim Kardashian… Heidi Gardner
Kylie Jenner… Melissa Villaseñor
Kendall Jenner… Halsey
Travis Barker… Mikey Day
Kanye West… Chris Redd
Machine Gun Kelly… Pete Davidson
Megan Fox… Chloe Fineman
O.J. Simpson… Kenan Thompson[Starts with Hulu intro]
Female voice: Hulu, it’s that thing you steal.[Cut to clips of The Kardashians show]
Male voice: For 20 years, you’ve watched the Kardashian family bicker and squabble over everything.
Kourtney: I will literally [bleep] you up.
Male voice: Now, a new show that’s also that, but with a little more structure. It’s “The People’s Kourt” with a ‘K’. Starring judge Kourtney Kardashian.
Kourtney: Order, order. Order in the Kourtney. I’m good at this.
Male voice: Watch as she puts her judginess to good use and tackles the most serious family issues.[Kim and Khloe Kardashian are in the court. Kim is in her MET Gala outfit covering up her face.]
Khloe: Kim stole my make up artist.
Kim: Oh my god! I needed him today.
Khloe: You’re wearing MET Gala outfit. No one can even see your face. Aw! You’re such a diva slore.
Kim: You’re just jealous.
Khloe: Hm, fine. But the next time you need to use the restroom, I’m not helping you ou krrr.
Kim: Wait. For real?
Khloe: For real.
Male voice: She doesn’t hold punches. She doesn’t play favors. And mostly, she just doesn’t care. Even with her own mom.
Kourtney: Mom, why are you suing Kylie and Kendall?
Kris: I am suing Kylie because she hasn’t had her baby yet. We have a whole marketing PR plan and she’s costing us money.
Kylie: I can’t grow it faster, mom.
Kris: Yes, you can. Take it from me. I had Khloe. I made her in four months. So, do you Kegel exercises and use your vagin.
Kylie: Mom, I am.
Kourtney: Whatever. And mom, why are you suing Kendall?
Kris: Well, I’m suing Kendall because she has absolutely no drama. She won’t cause any drama and it’s damaging our brand.
Kendall: I’m a Jenner, not a Kardashian.
Kris: And that’s something you need to work on, honey.
Kourtney: Ew, this is so cringe. Guilty!
Kendall: Who’s guilty? Me? Mom? Or Kylie?
Kourtney: I don’t care. You pick.
Male voice: There’s time for more than legal drama because even a judge has to let her hair down. With Kourtney’s boyfriend straight out of the year 2000 Blink 182, Travis Barker.[Kourtney is sitting on Travis’s laps.]
Kourtney: Travis, baby. I have to do my show.
Travis: I can’t help it, your honor.
Kourtney: Oh my god, did you just call me your honor?
Kourtney: Babe, you’re so epic.
Travis: Oh, you’re so punk.
Kourtney: Will you drum all the small things on my ass when we get home?
Travis: Hands or sticks?
Kourtney: Both, baby.
Male voice:It’s the Kardashian family like you’ve always seen them before. Lives will be changed. Shade will be thrown.
Kourtney: Okay, Kim, Kanye, what’s the problem?
Kanye: Ay Fam. I’m suing Kim because people always coming after me about when I tweet, but actually she haaacked me.
Kanye: I said Kim haaacked me.
Kourtney: Are you saying hacked?
Kanye: Yeah, bro. Like okay, does this even sound like me? [talking about the tweet] “Who’s seen the play ‘Wicked’? I’ve seen it four times.” That ain’t me, fam.
Kim: That was you, Kanye. That’s your favorite play.
Kanye: Okay, fine. I do love that musical. But what about this one? “What do I have to do to get a simple Persian rug with cherub imagery? ? Ugh.” That can’t be me fam.
Kim: No. It was you. That’s your favorite rug.
Kanye: Okay, fine. It’s beautiful. What about this? “Wiz Khalifa, I like your pants.” Actually, that was me. Case dismissed.
Kourtney: This is so boring. Bring me my bailiffs and best friends, Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox.[Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox walk in]
Machine Gun Kelly: Hey, what’s up?
Megan Fox: Wait, why are we best friends?
Kourtney: Because our boyfriends have tattoos for necks.
Megan Fox: Oh right, I love him.
Machine Gun Kelly: Ha, I love you too.
Megan Fox: I wrote you an Instagram caption, babe.
Machine Gun Kelly: Oh, that’s fire. Alright.
Megan Fox: Achingly beautiful boy.
Machine Gun Kelly: Oh.
Megan Fox: Toxic.
Machine Gun Kelly: Oh.
Megan Fox: Viral.
Machine Gun Kelly: Oh.
Megan Fox: Twin flame. Rehab barbie.
Machine Gun Kelly: Oh. I wish I could vape you.[Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox start licking each other’s tongues.]
Kanye: A yo! A yo! Keep in mind, this is coming from Kanye, but ya’ll weird.
Male voice: On “The People’s Kourt”, you never know who’s gonna stop by.
Kourtney: Okay, finally the last case on the docket.
O.J. Simpson: Ay, Kourtney, it’s me, O.J. Simpson. You know. The Juice. Your dad’s old friend. Ay, how come ya’ll don’t invite me to anything anymore. Where is everybody going?
Male voice: “The People’s Kourt” on Hulu. All judgements are legally binding. Oh, I don’t know about that.