Mischa Shumway… Cecily Strong
Dale Tillman… Beck Bennett
Craig Steer… John Krasinski
Jacob… Mikey Day
Josephine… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with Mischa in her news set]
Mischa: I’m, Mischa. This is “The Dividend”. It’s been a wild week on Wall Street. Here to break it down with me is an investment analyst, Dale Tillman.
Dale: Always a pleasure, Mischa. Glad that it worked out that I could be here.
Mischa: Be quiet. You have nothing going on. And joining us from his home in Connecticut, economist, Craig Steer.
Craig: Talk about easy commute. I just had to walk from my living room.
Mischa: Now, a number of hedge funds got caught with their pants down this week when Reddit users drove the price of GameStop up executing a short squeeze. Craig, your thoughts?
Craig: Listen, I think you know how I feel. Right? Power to the people. I mean, why shouldn’t Joe Schmo get rich using the same tactics as Johnny hedge fund?
Mischa: Craig, I’m sorry, but can I ask what’s going on with the art work behind you?
Craig: Oh! My daughter painted that. It’s called the Restless Sinner. She’s very talented. Both my twin daughters, actually. My son Jacob makes these terrific sculptures. I think I have one right here. [Craig pulls out a long human baby toy with MischaDale hands.] Yeah.
Mischa: Oh!
Craig: This one’s called centi-pediatric. Anyway, sorry to show off. I’m just a proud papa.
Mischa: Okay. Well, your twins are certainly talented. But I’m a little worried some viewers might find that Gory painting and baby centipede unsettling. Can you maybe cover them up so we don’t see them?
Dale: Yeah. I think that’s a good idea. I’m pretty unsettled. Could you maybe move your camera?
Craig: Well, I don’t know. I got a desktop here. Let me see. [Craig moves forward to see the computer, so now we can only see his sweater from close.] You know guys, really sorry. [Craig takes his seat. Now, there are his twins behind him looking creepy.]
Mischa: Oh!
Dale: My god!
Jacob: Father.
Josephine: Father.
Jacob: Father.
Josephine: Father.
Craig: Oh! Look up. Cameo alert. Here they are. There’s the twins. Jacob, Josephine. Guys, why are you in here? I told you to play outside while dad was working.
Jacob: The neighbor boy showed us pornography on his phone.
Josephine: We didn’t look away. We liked it, father.
Jacob: Why did we like it, father?
Craig: Well, you know what? We’ll talk about it later. Just go play. [looking at the camera] Kids, am I right? Sorry about that guys.
Mischa: Yeah. Well, Dale, what’s your take on all this?
Dale: I don’t know. Maybe they’re home schooled or something?
Mischa: I meant the stock market, Dale!
Dale: Oh, that. Well, I think Craig’s got it all wrong. I mean, this sort of market manipulation is dangerous.
Craig: Okay. Hold on. Now, what is dangerous about–
[Craig’s video freezes.]
Mischa: Craig? Looks like you froze there. Craig, can you hear me?
[when Craig is back, the twins are also behind him]
Craig: Sorry about that. I’m back.
Mischa: Oh my god!
Josephine: Why does Dale disagree with you father?
Jacob: I don’t like Dale. [devil voice] Dale makes me angry.
Dale: Guys, I’m sorry.
Craig: Guys, go. Let daddy work. Okay? So, maybe go make a snack.
Josephine: May I make us mustard on toast?
Jacob: I want to make it. She is stingy with the mustard.
Josephine: Because you are indulgent with the mustard.
Craig: Okay, guys, please.
[Jacob and Josephine leave]
Dale: Craig, your twins know that we just have difference of opinion and I’m not your enemy, right?
Craig: [laughing] Your’e too much, Dale!
Dale: I’m serious.
Mischa: Well, this obviously has Wall Street worried for a lot of reasons. What should they be most concerned about? Craig?
[now Jacob and Josephine are so close to the camera that you can barely see Craig]
Craig: I am so sorry, Mischa. Listen guys, for real, daddy’s working, okay? Say good bye. Love you.
Jacob: Good bye.
Josephine: Goo bye, [devil voice] Dale.
Dale: I hate that she said my name.
Mischa: Yeah, better you than me. Well, today’s viewer poll asked the same question, what’s Wall Street’s biggest fear? 17% of you said increased market manipulation while 83% said those twins. Have to agree.
Dale: Craig, maybe your twins could come back. I thought I didn’t like seeing them, but it’s even worse when I don’t know where they are.
Craig: Okay, Dale. I see what’s going on here. You’re afraid to have a little bit of a debate with me because you worship at the alter of the hedge fund. Now, what’s wrong? You getting a little hot under the collar there?
[the twins are behind Dale now]
Dale: I don’t feel hot but I just got really cold.
Mischa: Okay. We’re going to take a quick break. Keep in here.
