Twins

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Mischa Shumway… Cecily Strong

Dale Tillman… Beck Bennett

Craig Steer… John Krasinski

Jacob… Mikey Day

Josephine… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Mischa in her news set]

Mischa: I’m, Mischa. This is “The Dividend”. It’s been a wild week on Wall Street. Here to break it down with me is an investment analyst, Dale Tillman.

Dale: Always a pleasure, Mischa. Glad that it worked out that I could be here.

Mischa: Be quiet. You have nothing going on. And joining us from his home in Connecticut, economist, Craig Steer.

Craig: Talk about easy commute. I just had to walk from my living room.

Mischa: Now, a number of hedge funds got caught with their pants down this week when Reddit users drove the price of GameStop up executing a short squeeze. Craig, your thoughts?

Craig: Listen, I think you know how I feel. Right? Power to the people. I mean, why shouldn’t Joe Schmo get rich using the same tactics as Johnny hedge fund?

Mischa: Craig, I’m sorry, but can I ask what’s going on with the art work behind you?

Craig: Oh! My daughter painted that. It’s called the Restless Sinner. She’s very talented. Both my twin daughters, actually. My son Jacob makes these terrific sculptures. I think I have one right here. [Craig pulls out a long human baby toy with MischaDale hands.] Yeah.

Mischa: Oh!

Craig: This one’s called centi-pediatric. Anyway, sorry to show off. I’m just a proud papa.

Mischa: Okay. Well, your twins are certainly talented. But I’m a little worried some viewers might find that Gory painting and baby centipede unsettling. Can you maybe cover them up so we don’t see them?

Dale: Yeah. I think that’s a good idea. I’m pretty unsettled. Could you maybe move your camera?

Craig: Well, I don’t know. I got a desktop here. Let me see. [Craig moves forward to see the computer, so now we can only see his sweater from close.] You know guys, really sorry. [Craig takes his seat. Now, there are his twins behind him looking creepy.]

Mischa: Oh!

Dale: My god!

Jacob: Father.

Josephine: Father.

Jacob: Father.

Josephine: Father.

Craig: Oh! Look up. Cameo alert. Here they are. There’s the twins. Jacob, Josephine. Guys, why are you in here? I told you to play outside while dad was working.

Jacob: The neighbor boy showed us pornography on his phone.

Josephine: We didn’t look away. We liked it, father.

Jacob: Why did we like it, father?

Craig: Well, you know what? We’ll talk about it later. Just go play. [looking at the camera] Kids, am I right? Sorry about that guys.

Mischa: Yeah. Well, Dale, what’s your take on all this?

Dale: I don’t know. Maybe they’re home schooled or something?

Mischa: I meant the stock market, Dale!

Dale: Oh, that. Well, I think Craig’s got it all wrong. I mean, this sort of market manipulation is dangerous.

Craig: Okay. Hold on. Now, what is dangerous about–

[Craig’s video freezes.]

Mischa: Craig? Looks like you froze there. Craig, can you hear me?

[when Craig is back, the twins are also behind him]

Craig: Sorry about that. I’m back.

Mischa: Oh my god!

Josephine: Why does Dale disagree with you father?

Jacob: I don’t like Dale. [devil voice] Dale makes me angry.

Dale: Guys, I’m sorry.

Craig: Guys, go. Let daddy work. Okay? So, maybe go make a snack.

Josephine: May I make us mustard on toast?

Jacob: I want to make it. She is stingy with the mustard.

Josephine: Because you are indulgent with the mustard.

Craig: Okay, guys, please.

[Jacob and Josephine leave]

Dale: Craig, your twins know that we just have difference of opinion and I’m not your enemy, right?

Craig: [laughing] Your’e too much, Dale!

Dale: I’m serious.

Mischa: Well, this obviously has Wall Street worried for a lot of reasons. What should they be most concerned about? Craig?

[now Jacob and Josephine are so close to the camera that you can barely see Craig]

Craig: I am so sorry, Mischa. Listen guys, for real, daddy’s working, okay? Say good bye. Love you.

Jacob: Good bye.

Josephine: Goo bye, [devil voice] Dale.

Dale: I hate that she said my name.

Mischa: Yeah, better you than me. Well, today’s viewer poll asked the same question, what’s Wall Street’s biggest fear? 17% of you said increased market manipulation while 83% said those twins. Have to agree.

Dale: Craig, maybe your twins could come back. I thought I didn’t like seeing them, but it’s even worse when I don’t know where they are.

Craig: Okay, Dale. I see what’s going on here. You’re afraid to have a little bit of a debate with me because you worship at the alter of the hedge fund. Now, what’s wrong? You getting a little hot under the collar there?

[the twins are behind Dale now]

Dale: I don’t feel hot but I just got really cold.

Mischa: Okay. We’re going to take a quick break. Keep in here.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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