Dr. Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon
Gavin Newsom… Alex Moffat
Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson
Gretchen Whitmer… Cecily Strong
Jane F. … Heidi Gardner
Kendall Frye… Ego Nwodim
Ronald… Bowen Yang
Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant
Seymour Foreman… Mikey Day[Starts with a message video]
Male voice: And now, a message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci] [cheers and applause]
Dr. Anthony Fauci: Hello. Hello. Okay. Thank you. Hello. I am America’s voice of reason and Celebrity Hall Pass for some reason, Dr. Fauci. The vaccine rollout is going strong, but it’s also very confusing. Who can get it? How? When? Where is it? Do both doses go in the same arm or different arms or what? I don’t know. So tonight, we give everyday Americans the chance to vie for vaccine eligibility on a little show we like to call “So you think you can get the vaccine?” [clapping] [cheers and applause]
Hello and welcome to the name of the game show I just said.[Dr. Anthony Fauci walks to the podium that’s shaped like covid-Dr. Anthony FauciSeymour Foreman vaccine bottle container]
Getting a vaccine shouldn’t be a competition but Americans will only want to get it if it means someone else can’t. So, let’s meet our panel of judges who are all — get excited — famous governors. First, he is hated by every single person in California except those 10 people he had dinner with in Napa that one time, please welcome governor Gavin Newsom.[cheers and applause]
Gavin Newsom: Hey, what can I say? I love dinner.
Dr. Anthony Fauci: That’s great. How are things going in California?
Gavin Newsom: Teeth – white. Bodies – tight. Covid – pretty bad.
Dr. Anthony Fauci: Next, he is currently under fire for futzing with old dead people and also for the kind of sexual harassment allegations that make you go, “Yeah, I can see that”, it’s New York’s governor Andrew Cuomo.[cheers and applause]
Andrew Cuomo: Yes. Yes. Hello. Nice bodies, some of you. I know, I know. I’m in the freaking dog house again. Remember when your favorite movie was my Powerpoints? Remember “Today is Tuesday”? When can we go back to that? I mean, come on.
Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Our next judge narrowly escaped being kidnapped by a group of men whose fingerprints probably had Cheetos dust on them, please welcome the governor of Michigan, Gretchen Whitmer.[cheers and applause]
Gretchen Whitmer: Hey there. It’s an honor to be here with my fellow governors. People yell at them about their policies and they yell at me “Get her!” But hey, that’s life! [takes a sip from her bottle of beer.]
Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Judges, all of our contestants desperately want the vaccine but an essential worker can differ in every state. So, in California, it’s–
Gavin Newsom: Police, hospital staff, neuropaths and psychics.
Dr. Anthony Fauci: And in Michigan, it’s–
Gretchen Whitmer: Fishers, truckers, trappers and drafters.
Dr. Anthony Fauci: Right. And in New York, it is–
Andrew Cuomo: Tough guys, wise guys, rich guys and five guys.
Dr. Anthony Fauci: Great. Tonight’s game and the vaccine is brought to you by CVS. Come fo the shot, leave with a lollipop from two Halloweens ago. Our first contestant is very nervous and excited to be here. Please welcome Jane F.
Jane F.: Hello, I’m from Michigan. Go, Wolverines.
Gretchen Whitmer: Aw, well hi. Nice to see a fellow Michigander.
Jane F.: Oh, thanks. I actually voted for you.
Gretchen Whitmer: Oh, it’s nice.
Jane F.: I voted for you to get kidnapped. But still–
Gretchen Whitmer: It’s alright. Well, I’ll take it. Tell us why you’re here?
Jane F.: I think I deserve the vaccine because I’m an essential worker.
Gretchen Whitmer: That’s nice. What do you do?
Jane F.: I do IT for the Onlyfans website, so I am busy.
Gretchen Whitmer: Do you have any preexisting conditions?
Jane F.: Um, I have a really bad attitude. I’m allergic to dust. And I don’t know if this is anything but I have herpes.
Gretchen Whitmer: Oh, no, sweetheart, that doesn’t get to the vaccine.
Jane F.: What? Then why did I just say that on the TV?[Jane F. leaves]
Dr. Anthony Fauci: Oh, it’s too bad. A reminder, any contestant who’s not going home with a vaccine will take home one of our highly desirable consolation prizes like Pfizer visor. [A picture of a Pfizer sun cap appears on the screen.] It’s visor with the word Pfizer on it. And if you don’t get the vaccine, you might take home Maxine. [a cartoon woman appears on the screen]. The cranky middle aged woman from the Hallmark cards. Available at CVS. CVS, it stands for Chex Mix, Vodka and “So much plan B”. Now, our next contestant has asked me to tell you that she is very, very old, for real. She’s not even kidding. Please welcome Kendall Frye.[Kendall Frye walks in] [cheers and applause]
Kendall Frye: Hello. I’m old. I love hard candy and boy do I stand going to church.
Gretchen Whitmer: Hah! Something seems off about her.
Andrew Cuomo: Yeah. She just said stand.
Gavin Newsom: I think we got another pretend granny.
Kendall Frye: [pulls off her wig] Okay, fine. Listen, there’s a guy I’ve been talking to for 10 years and he just got out of a relationship and he’s in town tonight. Give me the vaccine.
Gavin Newsom: Okay. And, what are your risks?
Kendall Frye: My risk is that I may pop, sir.
Gretchen Whitmer: Sorry, sweetheart. You’re not eligible.
Kendall Frye: Wow, okay. On the second to last day of Black History Month, wow![Kendall Frye walks out]
Dr. Anthony Fauci: Thanks again to our sponsor, CVS. We have the receipts — and they’re long. I don’t get that joke. I don’t mind saying it. I just don’t get it. Alright, our next contestant is expecting to have a baby.[cheers and applause]
Melissa: Hi, I’m pregnant. Can I get the vaccine?
Andrew Cuomo: I don’t know. Can you?
Melissa: Sorry. May I get the vaccine?
Andrew Cuomo: No, that wasn’t a grammar thing. I was genuinely asking. We have no idea.
Melissa: You don’t know?
Gavin Newsom: Um, just give it to her?
Dr. Anthony Fauci: Um, unfortunately, we’re running a little low on Moderna, but we do have some trials for the Kirkland signature vaccine developed by Costco. [pulls out a huge syringe] It’s big enough for you and your little one that comes with a free pack of 24 hotdogs. Next, we have Ronald who’s a proud smoker from New Jersey.[cheers and applause]
Ronald: Hi. I’m Ronald. [holding a burning cigarette in uncomfortable way] I’m from New Jersey. And I love cigarettes.
Andrew Cuomo: Are you just saying that because in New Jersey, they’re giving the vaccine to smokers?
Ronald: [squeaky voice] What? No. I love smoking. I love the squishy part, the burny part. It’s all my favorite. [coughing] Okay, this is terrible. I got to get some water.
Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay, give it up for that life long smoker. Our next contestant is– this doesn’t sound right, fresh off his appearance yesterday at CPAC. Oh god, it’s Ted Cruz.[cheers and applause]
Ted Cruz: Yes, yes. Senator Ted Cruz performing talent of stand up comedy. Oh, it is great to be back in New York city. I’m sorry, my arms are tired because I just flew back Cancun, Mexico. But can you really blame a brother for want some sun? Oh-oh! Oh-oh! Here comes my catch phrase that I’ve spent all day yesterday screaming. Are you ready? Here we go now. [yelling] Freedom!
Dr. Anthony Fauci: Wow. It’s been quite a night and we’re down to our last contestant. Let’s bring him out.[cheers and applause]
Seymour Foreman: Hello. My name is Seymour Foreman and I’m RonaldJane F. years young. I was an army doctor but now I’m just the world’s proudest granddad.
Gretchen Whitmer: Aww. Wow, you got it all.
Andrew Cuomo: You win.
Gavin Newsom: You get the vaccine.
Seymour Foreman: Oh, wonderful. So, do I get it here or back stage?
Andrew Cuomo: Oh, no. You can’t get it here. You gotta make an appointment online.
Seymour Foreman: On what? Oh no! How do I do that?
Gavin Newsom: Do you have a computer?
Seymour Foreman: For Spider Solitaire.
Gretchen Whitmer: Well, is there a young person who could help you?
Seymour Foreman: Perhaps the mailman?
Andrew Cuomo: Now, does he have three straight days to click refresh?
Seymour Foreman: I don’t think he does. He seems busy.
Gretchen Whitmer: Ah! So close. Better luck next time.
Andrew Cuomo: But if you do feel sick, make sure you leave the nursing home and get to the hospital. Wink!
Seymour Foreman: Oh no!
Dr. Anthony Fauci: Alright. That’s all the time we have. I’m just getting word, power went out at the CVS nearby. The vaccines are all going to expire. So, it’s first come first stab.
All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.