Priest… Alex Moffat
Mother… Punkie Johnson
Dan Levy
Kate McKinnon
Carey… Ego Nwodim.
Mark… Mikey Day
[Starts with a couple getting their wedding ceremony done.]
Priest: With a solid foundation, you’ve decided to take the oath of marriage. Mark, Carrey, let us celebrate your joys. You begin your lives together. Now, for the family blessing, who gives this bride today?
Mother: [sobbing with happiness] I do.
Priest: Wonderful. If anyone has cause to object to the forming of this union or forever hold your peace.
[Dan and Kate stand]
Dan: Carey!
Kate: Carey!
Dan: Carey, we just wanted to take this opportunity to say you’re amazing.
Kate: Um-hmm. Carey, you’re such a rockstar.
Dan: And that’s it.
Carey: Wait, wait. I’m sorry. What?
Mark: Yeah. What was that?
Dan: Oh my god.
Kate: Oh, I’m sorry. Nothing.
Dan: We just wanted to make sure you knew right now that you are one of the best people.
Kate: Yep. And you deserve also the best.
Carey: Okay. Is this an objection?
Dan and Kate: No. No.
Dan: Nothing about him.
Kate: No.
Dan: Just sort of like, Mark is great. And he’s great.
Kate: Um-hmm. It’s just like– Well, Mark wise, it’s sort of like– No, he’s good. He’s good.
Mark: Mark wise what?
Carey: Yeah. I’m really not sure what you’re saying.
[Dan and Kate looking at each other]
Dan: What are we saying?
Kate: Yeah. What are we saying? We just wanted to ask I guess if there was anything that you wanted to talk to us about.
Dan: Yeah. Are you good?
Carey: Yeah. This is my wedding.
Dan: Okay.
Kate: Go.
Dan: Lock it down.
Kate: Yeah, you better get that.
Carey: Okay. Thank you guys.
Kate: And a random question.
Dan: So random.
Kate: Does your– Does your mom like him?
Carey: What? I mean, I think so. I mean, she’s right there.
Mother: Umm, young woman’s wedding day, it’s all about her and her thoughts and not what her mother doesn’t like.
Carey: Mom, come on.
Mark: I’m sorry. Do I suck somehow?
Carey: Okay. You know, whatever this is, why are you all just bringing it up now?
Dan: You know what? You’re right. We should have done this last night but we got like, really, really scary drunk at the rehearsal dinner.
Kate: When I don’t drink wine, I drink faster.
Mark: Yeah. You guys shoved my dad.
Carey: Okay. Let’s just get this over with. Do you not like Mark?
Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] No.
Carey: Do you think that I should be with someone different?
Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] No.
Carey: Do you think I’m settling?
Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] Y– No.
Carey: Am I making the biggest mistake of my life?
Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] Y– No.
Carey: Okay. Well, I’m gonna get married now.
Dan: Thank god!
Carey: So, we’re gonna do the vows.
Dan: Begging for it.
Priest: Wonderful. Mark and Carey have decided to write their own vows. Mark, would you like to start?
Mark: Yes. Carey, first watched F.R.I.E.N.D.S. together.
[texting sound]
Carey: [looking at Dan and Kate] Okay, I know you are texting each other about this and I know you know how to turn that sound off.
Dan: Oh, so sorry.
Kate: Sorry, we’re good.
Mark: I knew you were my lobster. [texting sound] You’re my person. [texting sound] As my personal hero, Meredyth Grey says– [texting sound] [looking at Dan and Kate] Okay, that’s really loud.
Dan: [whispering to Kate] Meredyth, Grey’s Anatomy’s fan? What a regret.
Kate: No. I just sent that to you.
Mark: Okay, guys. Stop. Okay, look, I know you don’t like me. Carey is amazing and yes, she’s probably too good for me. But at least I tell her how I feel and I say what I mean. And maybe that’s what she likes about me. You guys talk in mean little riddles.
Dan: Okay. Rail me, daddy.
Kate: Okay. I’m actually now fully horny and I’m going to try to cheat on you with me. Okay?
Mark: I don’t care what you two think.
Dan and Kate: [blushing] Mark!
Dan: Mark is hot.
Kate: Mark is hot. Oh my god.
Dan: Congratulations you guys. We love this now.
Kate: Yay!
