Oompa Loompa… Bowen Yang[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: A photo of Timothee Chalamet as Willy Wonka in an upcoming prequel of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” went viral this week with many on social media calling him a Twink Willy Wonka. Here to comment on this is a proud gay Oompa Loompa.[Oompa Loompa slides in]
Oompa Loompa: Hi. I’m sorry. Hi, Colin. How did you just introduce me?
Colin Jost: As a proud gay Oompa Loompa.
Oompa Loompa: Oh my god.
Colin Jost: Oh my god. Sorry. Is that not correct?
Oompa Loompa: No, it’s correct. You just, um, outed me on national television. But no, it’s fine. Don’t feel bad. I actually came here to make a statement about our pending factory strike. But now, I guess I gotta… call my parents.
Colin Jost: No.
Oompa Loompa: But it’s okay. It’s okay. All good. Just so I can plan, when does this air?
Colin Jost: It’s live.
Oompa Loompa: It’s live? Okay, well, I should probably read my little paper. Well, the recent coverage of an attractive young Wonka is scrump-diddly-umptious. What’s not so scrump-diddly-umptious are the unsafe working conditions in this factory– Oh, boy. [gets upset]
Colin Jost: Are you okay?
Oompa Loompa: I just don’t want my family to find out like this.
Colin Jost: You think they’ll be upset?
Oompa Loompa: They live in Loompa land. It’s not as progressive as here. They’re like just got “Will & Grace”. So yeah, it’s gonna be a conversation.
Colin Jost: Well, we can stop if you want.
Oompa Loompa: No, I got it. I got it. This Twink Wonka or Twonka may look as yummy as lick-able wallpaper but make no mistake, he– Okay, actually, you know what, Colin? You did me a huge favor because now I can be honest about everything. Okay, point blank, a man doesn’t know how to make a chocolate. Okay? He doesn’t. He’s an ideas man who has never touched a machine. He just tumbles into the inventing room and says something like, “Oh, what about a gum drop that makes children dream silly dreams?” And it’s like, “Yeah, bitch, what about it?” Meanwhile, we’re up all night rehearsing the little song and dance we do when a child dies. The whole thing is sick.
Colin Jost: Then I guess you’re not too excited about this new Wonka.
Oompa Loompa: Sorry, I’m just curious. Do I just give off a gay vibe? What about this makes me seem gay to you?
Colin Jost: It’s just… there’s a lot of product in your hair. I don’t know.
Oompa Loompa: Okay. And you just stepped out of the shower like that with your’s? Pot head. Okay, well, I’m being a bitch. But honestly, it does feel nice to be out and I don’t know, maybe, now that I’m out of the closet, maybe you can come out too, Colin.
Colin Jost: No, no, no, I’m not gay.
Oompa Loompa: I’m sorry, boys, I tried.
Colin Jost: A proud gay Oompa Loompa, everyone.
Oompa Loompa: I’m in the union.