Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.
[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]
President Biden said Friday that he will move ahead with his $1.9 trillion stimulus plan with or without republican support because this economy needs a massage and Joe Biden isn’t waiting for permission.
An interview with Biden will air before tomorrow’s Super Bowl between the Bucks and the Chiefs. Incidentally, Buck and Chief are also what Biden calls his friends when he forgets their names.
[picture changes to Mitch McConnell]
Mitch McConnell seen here ignoring a toddler who fell through the ice criticized GOP representative and conspiracy huffer Marjorie Taylor Greene saying that her loony lies and conspiracy theories at a cancer for the republican party. But keep in mind, Greene believes cancer is a bio weapon created in a secret Jewish lab.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Marjorie Taylor Greene at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Marjorie Taylor Greene who looks like the mugshot of a former child star has supported conspiracy theories about 9/11, school shootings, deep state and Jewish people. Ah! I get it lady. You’re my type. I’m kidding. Anybody who believes those crazy conspiracies has to be as blind as Stevie Wonder is pretending to be.
Greene apologized for her previous remarks saying 9/11 absolutely happen. So, to honor that day, Greene plans to hijack and crash the republican party.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Marjorie Taylor Greene at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Representative Greene then apologized for her extensive conspiracy theory saying “Nobody’s perfect.” Yeah, I don’t think ‘perfect’ is the standard we were holding you to. We were just settled for ‘not violently insane’. “Nobody’s perfect” is a cute little phrase you say when you accidentally mess up a lunch order. It doesn’t really apply when you accuse kids of faking a mass shooting. It’s a same reason “Did I do that?” was Urkle’s catch phrase and not OJ’s.
[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of SMARTMATIC and FOX NEWS logos at right top corner.]
Michael Che: FOX News is being sued by SMARTMATIC votin machines for $2.7 billion for false reporting. If they lose, FOX will use money from their sexual harassment settlement jar.
[picture changes to people rioting at the Capitol]
A new report shows that a number of people storming to Capitol didn’t actually vote in the election. Huh? So, maybe they weren’t the savvy political geniuses we all thought they were.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Former social media influencer Donald Trump, he will not testify at his impeachment trial next week. And I think I speak for all of us when I say – Come on. Please! Give us one last show, man. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Put in your extensions and burst into that trial like it’s Maury Povich and you are not the father. Come on. Think about it. You can yell out all the Tweets you haven’t been allowed to post for the past month. Like, “Worst inauguration ever #PoemBarelyRhymed”, or “No noms for Tim Allen? #GlobesTooBlack”.
Sadly, Trump is not going to be doing that. But he will be defended at the trial by the lawyers who refused to prosecute Bill Cosby and who agreed to represent Jeffery Epstein before his death. Which raises the question, what does Trump think he is being impeached for?
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeff Bezos at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Jeff Bezos announced that he is stepping down as CEO of Amazon later this year. “I just like to finally spend some time with my family”, said Amazon workers.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mike Lindell at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: My Pillow CEO Mike Lindell say three hour movie which he claims will 100% show that China and other countries stole the election from Donald Trump. Even worse, Lindell plays the part of Xi Jinping.
