Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: With the Capitol riots behind us, people are still trying to figure out how so many people got swept away by such a wrong headed movement. Here with her take is the lady that’s always yelling outside my window, Cathy Anne.[Cathy Anne slides in]
Cathy Anne: Well, well, well. Do my eyes deceive me?
Michael Che: How are you, Cathy–
Cathy Anne: Wait, wait, wait. I’m doing a poem for you. Tis the east and Michael Che is the sun, so I give him my moon. [Cathy Anne stands and tries to open her pants.]
Michael Che: No, no. Hey, Cathy Anne!
Cathy Anne: Ha-ha. I’m just playing around. Lighten up.
Michael Che: Well, you’re supposed to be here to talk about the insurrection at the Capitol.
Cathy Anne: Right, right. Let me tell you, I was glued to the TV during that insurrections.
Michael Che: Oh, so you were watching it?
Cathy Anne: No, I was glued to a TV. Man, it’s been a lot pandemic, okay? Sometimes, you get your huffing glue mixed up with your Purell. I’m only human, man.
Michael Che: Okay, but you got to admit that the riot was pretty shocking.
Cathy Anne: Oh. Do I? I’m not shocked. That’s our right to premises. Listen, when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time, right? The local pervert ain’t gonna have a business suit under a trench coat next time. It’s always going to be his privates. Oh, and by the way, how can anybody say whits are supreme anyway? I’m white and whenever I wake up in a dumpster behind IKEA, I never think, “Wow, score run for the master race.”
Michael Che: Why did you wake up in an IKEA dumpster?
Cathy Anne: Because I fell asleep in there. What? You don’t get tired, Mr. Hollywood? Of course. You know what? These republicans ain’t gonna do nothing about these traitors even though they’re the ones that are going to be killed, right? What the hell is wrong with them? You know, that remind me of opossums.
Michael Che: What? Why?
Cathy Anne: You know, coz opossum’s got only two move. Either they hiss or they play dead. “Hiss! Hiss! Oh, Donald Trump!” [acting like playing dead]
Michael Che: You’re pretty good at this.
Cathy Anne: Yeah, well, I had to play dead once. I got tapped at the eight pass at the zoo. The mother gorilla must have thought I was one of her’s, you know? She just yanked me right up as I was walking by. Took the zookeeper three darts to knock the mama out. Five to knock me out.
Michael Che: [laughing] It took more darts to knock you out than a gorilla?
Cathy Anne: Would you quit flirting? Sagging me with those eyes? You know what the sad thing is? They all got played, right? Trump only pardoned his rich friends. You know what? I could use one of those pardons, right? But they only cover high crimes and misdemeanors, and my crimes were very high. You know what I’m saying?
Michael Che: Yes, I get it.
Cathy Anne: You get high … crimes?
Michael Che: Oh, yes, I get it.
Cathy Anne: Drugs?
Michael Che: No, we get it, Cathy Anne.
Cathy Anne: You know what I’m saying?
Michael Che: Yeah, drugs, got it.
Cathy Anne: Yeah? You…
Michael Che: I got it.
Cathy Anne: Okay. Now everybody’s just worried about more insurrections around the country, right? How to make sure it don’t happen no more. Hello, I know how. Put them in prison. That’s where they should be, right? They’re Nazis. And you know what? Actually, I think they like it because prison’s got all the things white supremacists love. Other white supremacists, drama, lounge wear and chicken fingers. You know what? In fact, I think they would thrive. They have found it.
Michael Che: Cathy Anne, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.