Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Weekend Update intro]Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.
[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of CDC logo and a mask at left top corner.]Guys, great news this week. The CDC announced the fully vaccinated people no longer have to wear a masks or socially distance. Except, if you go to most places.
[List of mask still required: Airports, hospitals, buses, schools, planes, Target, trains, Starbucks, subways, New York.]Anyway, have fun out there. After the announcement, president Biden told Americans to take off their masks and smile. Even though ‘take it off and smile’ is the first example of every work place harassment seminar.
[Picture changes to Mitch McConnell]Senator Mitch McConnell seen here watching a poor family getting evicted on a Christmas eve’, he reacted to the news that masks were no longer required by lowering his mask and saying “Free at last”, which is so wildly tone deaf. It’s like Matt Gaetz took of his mask and said, “I feel like a kid again.”
Michael Che: According to recent studies, men who have had covid can experience erectile dysfunction and some have even reported decrease in the size of their penis. Now, that’s how you sell some masks. I mean, Fauci, you want people to get vaccinated, you need to run with this. Instead of “Stop the spread”, it should be “Stop the shrink”.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of CDC, Pfizer and moderna logos at left top corner.]Colin Jost: The CEC said that a number of new study shows that Pfizer and Moderna vaccines are effective against new variants of covid. CDC also said that Johnson&Johnson is trying really hard, you guys. And study also says that after restrictions lifted, 60% of Americans want to try something new this summer. “But not that”, said your girlfriend.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Liz Cheney at right top corner.]Michael Che: House of republicans voted to remove Liz Cheney from her party leadership role after she continued to challenge Donald Trump’s lie that the election was stolen. Wow, I never thought I’d find myself feeling bad for Liz Cheney and I was right, I don’t.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of IBM logo at left top corner.]Colin Jost: IBM announced that it’s created the world’s smallest and most powerful microchip. [picture changes to news article saying ‘Vaccine conspiracy theories’] Not now!
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Steve Scalise at right top corner.]Michael Che: House Minority Whip Steve Scalise released a letter outlining the republican agenda which includes stopping Nancy Pelosi socialist agenda. Oh, please. The only way Nancy Pelosi has a socialist agenda is if socialist is the name of a restaurant in Napa Valley.