Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of e-bike at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A new report shows that the fastest growing form of electronic vehicle is the E bike which is particularly popular in cities. At this point, experts believe the only thing that could slow these bikes down are car doors.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of University of Cambridge logo at right top corner.]
Colin Jost: Cambridge University in England released the new calendar featuring student athletes naked. Unfortunately, they’re all from the Quidditch team.[Picture changes to Bud Light Seltzer logo]
Bud Light is releasing a carbonated eggnog flavored drink called seltzer knob. If you want a preview of the taste throw up in your mouth.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Sex on sand dunes cause erosion” at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Environmentalists are warning visitors to the Canary Islands that having sex on the sand dunes is causing them to erode faster. Not to mention making them super clumpy.[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: In an effort to end his long standing feud with Dwayne Johnson, Vin Diesel posted an open letter on Instagram. Of course, for Vin Diesel and open letter is just a “C”.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a planet at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A chartered plane service in Las Vegas is offering people ride to nowhere so they can have sex in the air. “Oh fun,” said a polar bear and 60 degree weather. These are some dark jokes, man.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of giraffes at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: After three giraffes died at the Dallas zoo in less than a month, officials are investigating the deaths are connected. Some are beginning to suspect that this could be the work of notorious serial killer Giraffery Dahmer.
Michael Che: An 83 year old man has become the oldest person ever to hike the Appalachian Trail. The man dedicated the walk to his wife who died a few miles back.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of DJ Khalid at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: DJ Kalid announced the new chicken wing delivery service that will use jet skis to offer both side chicken service. Khalad said he came up with the idea with help from his longtime business partner, cocaine.