Michael Che
Fran Lebowitz… Bowen Yang
Martin Scorsese… Kyle Mooney
[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: Governor Andrew Cuomo announced this week that the New York city could open indoor dining by mid February. Here to comment are the stars of the Netflix show “Pretend It’s a City”, Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese.
[Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese slide in]
Fran Lebowitz: Here we are!
Michael Che: How are you doing, Fran and Martin? It’s an honor to have you both here.
Fran Lebowitz: Please. I’ve been so bored at home, I was about to get married to my cufflinks. Let me tell you, I’ve done so many interviews in front of audiences, I have squatter’s rights at the 92nd street wide, okay?
[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]
Michael Che: Well, I love the series because it’s the two of you just sitting and talking and Marty just losing his mind.
[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]
Fran Lebowitz: That’s right. They asked me my range and I said I can sit and I can sit down. And the people who went to these talks, they were children. They asked me should I be a writer, should I be a film maker? I say, “No, you should be something useful. Be a piece of melon wrapped in prosciutto.”
[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]
Michael Che: And that’s your advice?
Fran Lebowitz: What? Martin loves it.
Michael Che: Yeah, Martin seems to love everything you do. Martin, how is it shooting with Fran?
[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]
Okay, well, Fran, do you think New York is doing right now good? Is it doing okay?
Fran Lebowitz: Ah, I love it. It’s the worst. Disgusting. I’ll never move. My friends, they’re inviting me to their backyards where socially distanced gatherings, the only outro gathering I go to is the taxi line at JFK. You know why? They let you smoke. Okay?[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly] Martin, you still into this? [Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly] Yeah.[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]
Michael Che: You’re a real New Yorker through and through, Fran.
Fran Lebowitz: Yes, yes. You’re right. You’re right. But hey, remember when everyone in New York city had a machete?
Michael Che: No.
Fran Lebowitz: It used to be, you would go on a subway and you would look at a man’s machete or his penis. Now, everybody’s looking at their phones. You know why? Because there’s nothing to look at. And what’s Dwayne weed?
Martin Scorsese: [out of breath laughing] You’re so funny.
Fran Lebowitz: Kids are so short nowadays, you know why? You can’t smoke in bars anymore.
Michael Che: I don’t think that’s why.
Fran Lebowitz: Gender doesn’t exist anymore, you know why? Ed Koch died.
[Martin Scorsese is laughing so hard, he pulls off his eyebrows.]
Michael Che: Did he just laugh his eyebrows off?
Fran Lebowitz: Martin, listen to this. I was walking down the street the other day and you know what occurred to me? Emotional support animals.
[Martin Scorsese is laughing so hard, he falls off his seat]
Michael Che: Oh my god!
Fran Lebowitz: Martin’s off the chair. Time to go.
Michael Che: Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese, everybody!
Fran Lebowitz: Taxi! Taxi!
