Michael
LaVar Ball… Kenan Thompson
[Starts with Michael Che in his set]Michael: We are almost halfway through the NBA season and the front runner for the Rookie of the Year is point guard LaMelo Ball. Here to comment is his outspoken father, LaVar Ball.
[LaVar slides in]LaVar: How you doing, Michael? Me, I’m incredible!
Michael: Well, that’s good to hear. We haven’t seen you in a while, man. I was worried with all this covid stuff that you might not be okay.
LaVar: Man, I’m perfect. I already got 10 shots of each vaccine. Pfizer, Moderna, Johnson & Johnson, and my own home remedy – the Val Tricks. It cures herpes brought on by the covid-19, AKA, the macoroni virus.
Michael: I don’t know about that, but it’s been a good year for you. LaMelo is playing really well. Your son.
LaVar: You’re damn right, he is. And he’s playing for the story franchise in all the basketball, the Charlotte Hornets. Charlotte, North Carolina, the regional bacon capital of the world. Gateway to gastonia. No mountains. No oceans. But enough humidity to make your balls sticky as taffy.
Michael: So, you think LaMelo is going to win ‘Rookie of the Year’?
LaVar: Oh, he’s got all the awards locked up. ‘Rookie of the Year’, locked up. ‘MVP’, locked up. ‘Pretty as hog at the Mecklenburg couty fair’, lockedu p. That means he has some good ass bacon. Ha-ha-ha.
Michael: MVP? What about LeBron or Giannis Antetokounmpo?
LaVar: Man, don’t you talk to me about no Yana-gasa-ka-chu-chu. LaMelo has got this. And after he has won, he’s gonna unite both north and south Carolina into a Super Carolina called “Carolasis”. “Carolasis”, monster of the south. Second cousin to Mothra. Never lost to Godzilla. Never to the Zilla.
Michael: It looks like it’s all coming together.
LaVar: It sure is, Michael. LaMelo is the queen of Charlotte. My other boy Lanzo is Baren of the Bio. LiAngelo is a G-league superstar. And I got a fourth son who’s tearing up the Australian league, LaDingo.
Michael: LaDingo?
LaVar: Yeah. He’ll dunk on you and steal your baby.
Michael: Well, with all your success, I was surprised you’re not cashing all your Big Baller brand.
LaVar: Oh, no, no. I am. I am. Introducing the newest Big Baller shoes, specially designed by LaMelo right in the Carolinas, presenting the Caro-melos. [pulls out a shoe shapes chocolate]
Michael: Is that a chocolate shoe?
LaVar: Yes, indeed. Now you can jump 30 feet in the air while your feet are covered in sweet. Coco-dego-dogo-dogoses. But that’s not all. [Michael Che laughing hard] What’s the matter, Mike? That’s not all. Every pair of Caro-melos comes with Caro-melo side. Look at this. [pulls out a cookie dipped in caramel from inside the shoe] It’s chocolate, caramel, nougat and it features Alexa. Alexa! What’s America’s top high performance edible footware?
Alexa: The 2021 Cara-melos. Never lost.
LaVar: Oh. Alexa, you’re a bad mama-jama. So, pick yourself a pair. $2,000, seven month wait list, available exclusively on my cell phone between the hours of three and six PM mountain time. Never lost.
Michael: LaVar Ball, everybody.
