Weekend Update Lowell Fitzroy and Janet Noonan on Cancel Culture

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Colin Jost

Lowell Fitzroy… Mikey Day

Janet Noonan… Heidi Gardner.

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new social activist group has spared controversy online prompting many different claim that cancel culture has gone too far. Here to discuss are the group’s founders, 2 and 3.

[Lowell Fitzroy and Janet Noonan slide in]

Lowell Fitzroy: Thank you, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi. Welcome, guys. Tell us, what exactly do you guys do?

Lowell Fitzroy: Well, we notice that everyone was getting canceled and we love that.

Janet Noonan: It’s great.

Lowell Fitzroy: But there was one group who were seemingly immune children.

Janet Noonan: So, we expose problematic kids and cancel them.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You cancel kids?

Lowell Fitzroy: That’s right. We call them out on Twitter. Here’s an example – This pig’s name is Chase Powell. He said to a famale classmate: “You don’t have a weiner, you have a bagina.” Expel him now @PineTreeElem or u support classroom harassment & stand with predators like this bile-spweing piece of sourdough bread. #chasepowellisoverparty.

Janet Noonan: [clapping] Yes! Come on! Yes.

Colin Jost: Hey, how old is that kid?

Janet Noonan: That pig? He’s five. And let me tell you, he’s going to have a hard time finding a job now. And so will this little rat we canceled – We NEED to talk about Oliver Carson. This prep school pig is a HOMOPHOBE. He asked a friend in his playgroup why she had 2 daddies and “no mommy.” Normalize bigotry, much? #FlushThisTurd. Bye!

Colin Jost: That kid looks three years old.

Janet Noonan: Oh, so you’re defending him? Interesting.

Lowell Fitzroy: These kids need to be held accountable, Colin. Like this little demon whose life we absolutely destroyed – Trick or treat, smell my feet, this pig’s name is Lily Davis. She’s white as printer paper and went as a culturally appropriating goon for Halloween. Her phone # is 714-555-0157. Do you worst, Internet. #Doxxed #BuhBye.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I’m sorry, guys. But doxing elementary school kids cannot be healing society.

Janet Noonan: That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard either of you say. Sorry, I just don’t find Weekend Update portion of your show amusing. Never have. Sorry if that hurts.

Colin Jost: Yeah, we’re okay. But thanks so much for coming by.

Lowell Fitzroy: Wait. We have one more piece of garbage to expose – Congrats! It’s a…RACIST. Confetti emoji. This piglet CRIED when she was delivered by an AFRICAN AMERICAN doctor. Yeah, nope. The C in her C-Section stands for #CANCELED.

Colin Jost: Alright, it was a baby. The Kid Cancel, everyone.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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