Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of calendar marked on March 23 and a puppy at left top corner.]Colin Jost: Tuesday was national puppy day. Unfortunately, at Subway. [picture changes to a Subway sandwich. There’s a dog’s tail hanging out of the sandwich.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Wallet returned to woman after 70 years.]
Michael Che: A school at Virginia is returning a wallet to a woman 70 years after she lost it in the school gym. “Well, how do you like that?”, said a black man still in jail for stealing it.
[picture changes to a realdoll]The makers of realdoll are saying that within 10 years they will be able to make walking, talking sex dolls with real emotions. Just what I wanted. A sex doll that walks into the room and says, “So, what are we?”
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sesame Street logo at left top corner.]Colin Jost: Sesame Street has introduced two new black muppets to help explain racial difference to children. Which begs the question, “Are these muppets white?” [picture changes to the old muppets. They’re all colorful.”
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeffrey Epstein at right top corner.]Michael Che: Hmm. A Goldman Sachs executive has bought Jeffery Epstein’s former upper east side mansion for more than $50 million. Man, if those walls could talk, I bet they’d commit suicide they got the chance to talk.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a new yellow Pepsi at left top corner.]Colin Jost: Pepsi announced a new Peeps flavored soda for Easter. It’s perfect for Easter because it will make your digestive system say, “Jesus Christ!”
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of candles at right top corner.]Michael Che: Miller Lite is now selling bar scented candles including one called “Dog Bar”. For preview of the smell, miss the toilet for a week.
