Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Dick’s Sporting Goods logo at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Dick’s Sporting Goods is opening a new experiential store with a rock climbing wall, sports fields and indoor wellness space. Unfortunately, they’re calling it “Hands-on Dick’s”.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Taylor Swift at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Taylor Swift has released an album of re-recorded versions of her album ‘Fearless’ which she first made when she was 18. Wow, that’s impressive because if I released a number of things I wrote when I was 18, I would be fired immediately.
[Picture changes to Tyler Perry]
Tyler Perry is developing a new TV series that explores the origin of his character Media, weirdly as part of his new superhero franchise, “The Averngers”.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a house at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: The house where Lizzie Borden murdered her parents has been sold for $Michael Che million and will be turned into a bed and breakfast. Though, a bread and breakfast where a murder happened is pretty much just Days Inn.
[Picture changes to a bird feeder and a bird.]
The CDC is warning about a salmonella outbreak that’s linked to bird feeders. Yet another piece of bad news for people who eat out of bird feeders.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Will.I.Am at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Singer Will.I.Am announced that he is developing a new face mask that will come with an air filter, bluetooth and noise cancelling earbuds. Or, hear me out, just get the vaccine, man. I like Will.I.Am, but if you don’t make another hit soon, you gonna be Will.I.Was.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Captain Underpants at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: The publishers of the Captain Underpants books have cancelled the spinoffs of the popular series saying it promoted “passive racism”, which is not what I expected a guy called ‘Captain Underpants’ to get cancelled for.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Starbucks at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Starbucks has launched a new eco friendly program called ‘borrow a cup’ in which customers return their cup after finishing their drink so the store can use it again. And Dunkin’ donuts plans to compete with this promotion by not doing that.
[The picture changes to a map of Texas and handcuffs.]
Texas police arrested a woman who broke into a man’s house, stripped naked and in one of his beds. The man called the police when he realized the woman was not attractive.
