Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Capitol building at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Democrats in congress have introduced legislation to raise a federal minimum wage to $15 an hour which would finally give minimum wage workers the ability to pay rent in the year 1995.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Amanda Gorman at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: The NFL has announced that the Super Bowl pre game show will feature Amanda Gorman who resided her poem “The Hill We Climb” in the inauguration. The show also feature Rob Gronkowski residing his poem, “The Man From The Nantucket”.
[Picture changes to a shark]
According to a new report, Michael Che0Michael Che0 was one of the deadliest years for shark attacks with 10 reported fatalities. “Adorable,” said bats.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Belle Delphine at right top corner.]
Michael Che: It was reported that adult model Belle Delphine is making over $1 million a month by selling her used bathwater which is crazy because it doesn’t taste that good.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of McDonald’s nuggets at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: McDonald’s announced that for a limited time, it’s bringing back it’s spicy chicken McNuggets and mighty hot sauce because there has never been a better time to breathe heavily and lick your fingers.
[Picture changes to CocaCola Coffee]
CocaCola has introduced the new line of coffee cokes that they say sips like a coke, finishes like a coffee and feels like someone tasered your butthole.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dog at left top corner.]
Michael Che: It was revealed that Freddie, the world’s tallest dog has died. The cause of death has been listed as ceiling fan.
[Picture changes to a map of Slovakia]
A woman in Slovakia helped arrest a man robbing a gas station by performing oral sex on him until police arrived. The woman was able to stall him for that long being terrible at it.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a dog at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Southwest airlines has changed their policy from emotional support animals and now will only allow cats and dogs on board while over at Spirit, everyone’s given a snake.
