Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a chimpanzee at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Researchers in Uganda have observed a chimpanzee masturbating with a plastic bottle. Once full, the bottle was capped and sold as Dasani. [Picture changes to Dasani] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Eminem at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: During the opening day of Eminem’s new Detroit restaurant, the rapper surprised guests by serving them pasta himself. Not to be outdone, [picture changes to Macklemore wearing Olive Garden staff dress serving tea] Macklemore got fired from the Olive Garden.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Barack Obama has been criticized by Chicago residents who claim that his new presidential library will lead to gentrification. For me, it’s another painful reminder that Obama is half white.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Onlyfans logo at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A Colorado woman who posts on Onlyfans said that praying before sex with her husband allows her to experience a threesome with god. A threesome that doesn’t end until thy kingdom comes.[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]
Well guys, it is a bitter sweet night for us tonight.
Michael Che: Yes. On September 14th, our friend Norm Macdonald passed away.
Colin Jost: Right. Norm is the reason that I ever wanted to do Weekend Update and so tonight, we thought we turn the last few jokes of Update over to Norm.[Cut to old videos of Norm Macdonald]
Norm Macdonald: Thanks. I’m Norm Macdonald and this is the Fake News. At the White House this week, president Clinton officially came out against same sex marriages. What’s more? The president said he is not too crazy about opposite sex marriages either.
A new airport plan for San Diego would actually be located three miles out in the pacific ocean. Built on 40xMichael Che0 ft. floating cylinders. It’s all part of a plan by city officials to have a huge disaster.
A French man who calls himself the Snake Man was arrested this week after climbing up the side of a Manhattan high rise. Yes, he climbed right up the side of a high rise… just like a snake.
In a brilliant move during closing argument Simpson attorney Johnnie Cochran put on a knit cap prosecutor saying O.J. wore the night he committed the murders. Although O.J. may have heard his case when he suddenly blurted out, “Hey, easy with that. That’s my lucky stabbing hat.”
And that’s the way it is, folks. Goodnight and good luck.