Michael Che[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s picture of marijuana leaves at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A new study finds the regular use of marijuana may disrupt people’s sleep. “That’s adorable”, said cocaine.[Picture changes to Sylvester Stallone]
It was reported that Sylvester Stallone will start a new TV series playing an Italian mob boss from Kansas City, in what is a absolute nightmare scenario for the closed captioning guy.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Man stares at sun for an hour” at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A man in India has set a new record by staring directly at the Sun for an hour without blinking. The record is for best drugs.[Picture changes to Galane Maxwell and a woman.]
A woman testifying in the sex trafficking trial of Galane Maxwell said that Maxwell told her that Jeffrey Epstein needed to have sex about three times a day and if not, he’d killed himself.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s picture of NBC logo at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: It’s good. But do you get it? NBC said that it would not air the qualifying trials for the Olympic curling team because of an ad on the ice for a Dutch sex toy. Oh, so that’s what that thing is.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of caduceus at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A new report shows that female doctors over the course of their careers make $2 million less than men. That’s just not right. Female doctors?[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cat at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A new study finds that if cats were humans, their behavior would classify them as psychopaths. While if dogs were human, they would get “me too’d” on day one.
Michael Che: A new report lists the city with the worst traffic in the world as London, England. Here’s an idea. Maybe stop driving on the wrong side of the road? I’m just saying.[Picture changes to KFC logo]
Kentucky Fried Chicken is testing a new dipping sauce called sweet hot capital city mumbo sauce. Coincidentally, sweet hot capital city Mambo sauce is also what Jost calls rap music once.
Colin Jost: No! Once!