Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a rocket at left top corner.]
I don’t know if you guys were following the news today, but a space rocket that was spinning out of control just minutes ago crashed into the ocean. And for once, we know, it’s not Elon’s fault. [Picture changes to Elon Musk hosing SNL monologue.] A lot of people have been wondering, “Why is he hosting our show?” And now we know, it’s because he needed an Alibi.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeff Bezos at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Jeff Bezos’s rocket company ‘Blue Origin’ is auctioning off one seat on a first flight of its passenger rocket. Wow. Why are all these rich white people trying to go to space? Look, if there’s any Martian watching this, when you see a bunch of foreign ships pull up on your land, take it from a black dude, don’t get on them. Unless you want to be the martian with the last name ‘Washington’.[cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Prominent white nationalists posting manifestos” at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A prominent white nationalist has begun posting manifestos online. I’m sorry, that was the sub-headline. The headline was “Donald Trump launched new blog”. That’s right. Disgraced fast food spokesman Donald Trump has launched a website called ‘From the desk of Donald J. Trump’. Though more accurate name would be ‘From the brain fog of long-haul covid’.
I don’t understand why the republican party is still betting their entire future on Trump. He turns 75 next month. It’s like getting your family an old dog and saying, “Hey, kids, invest all your emotions in this.”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Florida governor Ron DeSantis who played the short bully in “A Christmas Story” signed new restrictive voting laws that limits the locations of drop boxes and new requirements for voting my mail. Wow. Since when does Florida care so much about the law? Last time I was in Florida, I saw a lady lighting fireworks with a crack pipe. Worst gender reveal ever![Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Evangelicals hesitant about vaccine” at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Experts say that one of the biggest obstacles to hurt immunity is that many white evangelical christians are refusing the vaccine. And look, evangelical christians, I know you guys want to get into heaven, but it’s not a race.[Picture changes to a news article that says “CVS responsible for half of unused vaccines”]
A report also shows that CVS is responsible for half of all unused vaccine shots in the nation. CVS is also responsible for half of the nation’s room temperature white claw. I guess that we should have expected top-notch inventory management from the store that that’s still trying to unload Halloween candy in March.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kamala Harris at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Kamala Harris will become the first vice president to be featured as a wax figure at Madame Tussauds wax museum. Well, Joe Biden is the first wax figure to become the president.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Verizon, Aol and yahoo! logos at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: It was announced that Verison will sell Aol and yahoo!, I assume to the year 1998.
New York governor Andrew Cuomo announced that the broadway could reopen in September 14th. Except for the new musical about Cuomo’s handling of the pandemic, “Nursinghoma!”