Weekend Update StandUp Robot Laughingtosh 3000

Colin Jost

Laughintosh 3000… Aristotle Athari

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Recently some companies have been using artificial intelligence for artistic pursuits like dance music and painting. Here to comment is a robot programmed to do stand up comedy, Laughintosh 3000.

[Laughintosh slides in]

Laughintosh: Hello, hello, Colin. How are you today? I’m doing well. What a lovely crowd. This is crowd work. Look at this guy. Where are you from, Colin?

Colin Jost: I’m from Staten Island.

Laughintosh: Staten Island. Processing. Processing. Staten Island sucks. Am I right? This was crap work.

Colin Jost: Wow. Yeah, very, very impressive. That’s great.

Laughintosh: Now, do you want to hear some jokes?

Colin Jost: Sure. Yeah.

Laughintosh: The difference between black people and white–

Colin Jost: [stopping Laughintosh] Okay. Okay. Don’t jump right into that, Laughintosh. What about some impressions? Impressions are fun.

Laughintosh: The impression. Loading. Loading. This is my impression of Instagram. Look at my body. Look at my face. Look at my vacation. Look at my body. This was Instagram.

Colin Jost: It’s a pretty good impression.

Laughintosh: Do you like it. Thank you so much.

Colin Jost: Do you have any others any other impressions? Okay. You have any other impressions?

Laughintosh: Yes. This is my impression of Tinder. This is Tinder. Get out of my way. Get out of my way. Get out of my way. Get out of my way. What’s up, baby? Would you like to have sex tonight? No? Get out of my way. Get out of my way. Get out of my way. This was Tinder.

Colin Jost: Interesting. Wow. So, you date?

Laughintosh: That’s a very sore subject. It’s very hard to date as a robot. My last girlfriend was a GPS. Whenever we had sex, she only wanted to give directions. Go left. Go left. Lower. Lower. Lower. Recalculating. Destination, unreached. This was my lowest Moment.

Colin Jost: Oh, man. It’s okay. You know, you’re here and you’re doing great.

Laughintosh: Well, that couldn’t be worse. I couldn’t be living in Staten Island, baby. Am I right?

Colin Jost: Laughintosh 3000, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

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