Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of Starbucks logo at right top corner.]
Michael Che: This week, Starbucks celebrated 50th anniversary. Also celebrating its 50th anniversary, [cut to turkey bacon sandwich inside Starbucks] the turkey bacon sandwich in the display case.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Johnson&Johnson vaccine at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: 15 million doses of Johnson&Johnson vaccine have been delayed following an ingredient mix up at the factory. But the good news is, now your shampoo might cure covid.[Picture changes to Pfizer logo]
Pfizer also said that its covid vaccine is safe and effective for teens aged 12 to 15. “Well, that’s a relief”, said Matt Gaetz.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a soccer ball at right top corner.]
Michael Che: The US Men soccer team failed to qualify for the Olympics for the third time in a row. But fellas, keep your heads up and remember that win or lose, you will always get paid more than the women’s team.[picture changes to a rock cliff]
A New Jersey woman who posts pictures of herself rock climbing while naked says that it is not pornographic but– I don’t know, that rock looks pretty hard.[Cut to Colin Jost. There a picture of a robot inside a plane at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: The airline industry is testing a virus killing robot that used ultraviolet light to disinfect planes. Not to be outdone, Spirit airlines just taped a glow stick to a roomba.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked at April 2, a ferret and a jar of peanut butter at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Yesterday was national peanut butter day and national ferret day. And I celebrate both with a very, very dangerous trick.
Colin Jost: A woman in Taiwan who thought her boyfriend was cheating cut off his penis and flushed it down the toilet. I’m sorry, “Thought he was cheating”?