Weekend Update Stephanie Green on Conspiracy Theories

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Colin Jost

Stephanie Greene… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Despite Joe Biden’s inauguration, millions of people still believe in the QAnon conspiracy theory. Here to help explain it is a member of QAnon. Please welcome, Stephanie Greene.

[Stephanie Greene slides in. She is a witch.]

Stephanie Greene: Hello. Very good to be here together.

Colin Jost: Yes. Well, thank you for being here, Stephanie. You said you’re a single gal from Ohio?

Stephanie Greene: Yes, that’s right. Normal gal. I work in an office for business. Coffee, pencils, the whole line.

Colin Jost: Uh-huh. And you’re a member of QAnon?

Stephanie Greene: Oh, big time. Yes. Q all the way.

Colin Jost: And what is QAnon all about.

Stephanie Greene: Okay, listen. Have you heard this? QAnon says there is an underground ring of very bad people. They gather to undermine Trump and to steal elections and to eat children. I hear that and I’m like, “Wow, where?”

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, it’s a very disturbing theory. So, what do you do with QAnon?

Stephanie Greene: Yes. We try to get to the bottom of things. This underground cabal, what’s the deal? Who is part of it? How do you get an invite? Is it reservations or is it open table? Are there enough? Are there enough children to go round? Do you eat them on sight or do you take them home? Are they dipping sauces so much? So much to uncover.

Colin Jost: Right, yeah. It sounds like you’re pretty focused on the eating children part of QAnon.

Stephanie Greene: Yes. Oh, it’s terrible. Yeah. I gotta get down there to stop them. I will grab those children right out of their mouths and take them to my house. My house is made of candy. And then I’ll eat them. I men I kill them. How am I doing?

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha. Not great. I’m getting the feeling that you don’t want to help children.

Stephanie Greene: No. I love children. All kinds. Girls, boys, barbecue, sour cream and onion, cool ranch.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I think you want to eat them. Like maybe, that you’re only on the QAnon to find out where that’s happening.

Stephanie Greene: Why? Do you know? You’re a Hollywood elite, yes? Is there an email list? Wink for yes.

Colin Jost: I’ve just never heard of that. I’m not sure you’re actually going to find children to eat with QAnon.

Stephanie Greene: Okay. I’m kind of glad you said that. Because I’m starting to get worried it isn’t real. The things, they keep not happening. I guess I’m starting to feel like maybe the whole thing is little bit coo-coo-bana. You know?

Colin Jost: Yeah. I think you might be right.

Stephanie Greene: Yes. Look, can I make a confession? This is going to come out of left field. I am a witch.

Colin Jost: No. Yeah, that has been clear this whole time.

Stephanie Greene: My name is Grismelda. I live in a candy house in New Hampshire. I roast and eat whole children. But Colin, these people– These people are weird. They think celebrities eat babies so their skin can look younger. That ain’t what it does, queens. [pointing at her face]

Colin Jost: I think you look great.

Grismelda: Oh. This whole thing has been such a waste of time, Colin. The other day, I Skyped with a guy named Robert Lee-E, who told me that Jessica Chastein is the devil and then he showed me his penis. He thinks Hunter Biden is a laptop. His daughters were crying in the background. It was so sad.

Colin Jost: Well, I’m very sorry I have to break it to you Grismelda, but QAnon isn’t real. None of it.

Grismelda: [sigh] I knew it. Well, at least I can get the vaccine now. I’m 400 years old. So…

Colin Jost: 400?

Grismelda: Yes. I guess I’ll go back to being a witch. It’s hard because the children, they don’t eat candy anymore. No, no. I tried to build the house out of beyond beef, and it fell and the wolves came. I don’t know what the kids eat now. What do they eat? I don’t know.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. I have to ask. What do you eat when you can’t eat children?

Grismelda: Oh, dogs.

Colin Jost: Oh, common!

Grismelda: No, I’m kidding. Chipotle. I’m not a monster.

Colin Jost: Grismelda, everyone.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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