Weekend Update- Tom Cruise Returns Golden Globes & Ohio State Massage Therapist

0
(0)
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Tom Cruise at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was reported that Tom Cruise protested the lack of diversity at the Hollywood Foreign Press by returning his three Golden Globe statues, which was tough for him because they were sitting in pretty high shelves.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeff Bezos at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Jeff Bezos has begun building a new $500 million yacht. In response, Elon Musk has begun building a $600 million iceberg.

[Picture changes to Subway]

New York city has begun offering vaccine outside of Subway stations, but I think they could have picked a better slogan than “Get shot on the subway”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Uncle Ben’s logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Uncle Ben’s rice which has been criticized for perpetuating racial stereotype has officially changed it’s name to Ben’s Original. Now, I’m no expert but I don’t think the problem was that he was an uncle.

[Picture changes to Lynyrd Skynyrd band logo]

Police in Florida are searching for a man who stole more than $ 12,000 worth of Lynyrd Skynyrd memorabilia. $12,000 worth? So, all of it?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chicago city at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Chicago officials announced that they were releasing more than Colin Jost,000 feral cats into the city to help combat it’s growing rat problem. Or as the Chicago health commissioner explained it, “Da cats combat da rats and dat’s dat!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of guns at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I’m stunned. Navy officials boarded a ship in the Arabian sea and discovered weapons stash so large that it covered the deck of the US missile ship. Fortunately, the weapons are being returned to the US where they can safely be sold to the mentally disturbed.

[Picture changes to a squirrel and a pigeon.]

A group of researchers are trying to determine why humans have a desire to feed other animals so much as birds and squirrels, but if I had to guess, it’s probably because their wife passed away. [Picture changes to an old man sitting alone at the park feeding the pigeons] I don’t know why I thought that would make you laugh.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s Ohio State University logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Ohio State University reported that a massage therapist had sex with at least five of their football players. This story was first reported in a pitch to high school recruits.

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Subscribe
Notify of
guest
0 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments