Weekend Update Vaccine Fraud and Mars Rover

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. there’s a picture of a new article that says “Two women dressed up as grandmothers to get vaccine” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Florida officials say two women tried to get a second dose of the vaccine by dressing up as grandmothers. Which in Florida means they just dressed up as 35 year olds.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of rover on Mars at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: NASA’s rover ‘Perseverance’ successfully landed on Mars and started a Twitter account to send back updates. First it was – “I’m safe on Mars!” Then – “Collected first soil sample!” And then – “Oh no, why is there no white history month?” Wow, it really figured out Twitter fast.

[picture changes to Krispy Kreme’s new doughnut]

Krispy Kreme is marking the landing of the rover on Mars by offering a limited edition doughnut modeled after Mars. It’s different from their usual doughnut which is modeled after Uranus. [picture changes to normal doughnut (that has a hole)] [Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Kim Kardashain and Kanye West at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kin Kardashain has filed for divorce from Kanye West. And I really sympathize with Kanye because I know from experience how difficult it is to have to move that many sneakers out of a white lady’s apartment.

[Picture changes to a mammoth]

Researchers studying the remains of a Willy mammoth have uncovered the world’s oldest DNA sequence. In fact, it’s so old, Andrew Cuomo is covering up it’s death.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a man wearing a catholic priest’s outfit at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Catholic leaders issued new pandemic guidelines on ash Wednesday discouraging priests from wiping ashes directly off people’s foreheads. And I think not touching could just be a great new rule in general.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Israel is reporting that they vaccinated half of their population. And I’m gonna guess it’s the Jewish half.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of #SIMP at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A popular new hashtag among teenagers is SIMP which describes boys who are overly nice to girls they like, as in only a simp would flee a disaster just because his wife wanted to go to Cancun.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a goldfish at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A British woman has created a customized life jacket that allows a disabled goldfish to swim. The woman came up with the idea while not having plans on Vaneltine’s day.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of

Colin Jost: The retired admiral who oversaw the raid that killed Osama Bin Laden is releasing a children’s book. The book is the surprising collaboration called “The Berenstain Bears kill Osama Bin Laden.”