A Christmas Carol


Scrooge…Martin Short

Boy… Sarah Sherman

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to Charles Dicken’s – A Christmas Carol.

[Cut to Scrooge having a nighrmare]

Scrooge: Please. Enough of these ghostly visions. I want to be a better man. I want to live. [wakes up] Oh, I’m alive. I can’t believe I’m alive. Thank you spirits. Thank you for showing me the way. I’m as light as a feather. I’m as Merry as a schoolboy. I’m as giddy as a drunken man. And I will change. I swear to you and I will change. I just hope it’s not too late. [opens the window and points at a boy] You, lad. You down there.

Boy: Me?

Scrooge: Yes, you boy. Tell me what day is today?

Boy: It’s Christmas Day, sir.

Scrooge: Ah! Christmas! Then I haven’t missed it. The spirits came in all in one night. My dear boy, you know the prized goose in the window down the street?

Boy: The one as big as me?

Scrooge: That’s the one. Go and buy it so the Tiny Tim and his family might have a Christmas feast.

Boy: What shall I buy it with, sir? I’m so poor.

Scrooge: Well, with this, of course. [Throws a golden coin. The coin flips and flips, then hits the boy’s eye and hurts him]

Boy: Ah! Oh my god. What the hell are you doing? I’m blind.

Scrooge: Why didn’t you catch it?

Boy: You’re blaming me?

Scrooge: Then here, okay? Please take this for your medical bills.

Boy: What’s that?

[Scrooge throws another golden coin. The coin hits the boy’s another eye and hurts him]

Oh my god!

Mikey: This crazy old man is whipping coins into the eyes of orphans.

Scrooge: I didn’t know he was an orphan.

Boy: Yeah? Like I look like I have living parents?

[A spirit appears in Scrooge’s room]

Spirit: Hey, Scrooge. Just thought I’d check in and see how you… [see’s the boy’s eyes] Oh my god.

Mikey: Someone arrest that man. He’s blinding children for sport.

Andrew: He’s always been a cruel old man. He hates us orphans.

Spirit: Let me guess. You tossed the coin way up in the air, right? That’s a classic mistake. What do you want to do is toss the coin straight down. Now watch this. [Throws a coin. The coin hits Andrew’s eye now.]

Mikey: What are you doing?

Boy: I couldn’t see what happened.

Molly: He’s blinding whole town here.

Spirit: Okay, that was my bad. Here, kid. Put the ice on it. [Throws an ice which then pierces Andrew. Andrew is bleeding all over other people.]

Scrooge: That was him [pointing at spirit]

Spirit: Yeah, they can’t see me because I’m a ghost. So you look like a total psychopath.

Tiny Tim: Is it true Mr. Scrooge? Are you blinding children for fun?

Scrooge: Of course not, Tiny Tim. I’m a changed man. I tell you. Now, take this money to fix your legs. I’ll just throw it on the ground right then you can pick it up okay?

[Scrooge throws a coin on the ground, but it bounces and breaks Tiny Tim’s crutch. Tiny tim falls into sewer.]

Mikey: Scrooge just threw Tiny Tim into a sewer.

Molly: He’s the devil.

Spirit: Okay, my earlier advice was to be nicer to people, but my new advice is to lawyer up.

Scrooge: It’s fine. I can take care of this. Lets everyone keep quiet about this whole incident, shall we? And I’ll make it worth your while.

[Scrooge throws a bunch of coins which now is hurting a lot of people.]

Mikey: Please stop yelling and throwing shiny objects. You’re going to spook the horse.

[The horse kicks Mikey’s head off]

Scrooge: Okay, well, we’ve all learned a lot today, haven’t we? But the most important lesson is, Merry Christmas.

[Scrooge closes the window. The glass shatters and falls off, and hurts a lot of people again.]

Male voice: Apple pay, never use coins again.

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