Scrooge…Martin Short
Boy… Sarah Sherman
Male voice: We now return to Charles Dicken’s – A Christmas Carol.
Scrooge: Please. Enough of these ghostly visions. I want to be a better man. I want to live. [wakes up] Oh, I’m alive. I can’t believe I’m alive. Thank you spirits. Thank you for showing me the way. I’m as light as a feather. I’m as Merry as a schoolboy. I’m as giddy as a drunken man. And I will change. I swear to you and I will change. I just hope it’s not too late. [opens the window and points at a boy] You, lad. You down there.
Boy: Me?
Scrooge: Yes, you boy. Tell me what day is today?
Boy: It’s Christmas Day, sir.
Scrooge: Ah! Christmas! Then I haven’t missed it. The spirits came in all in one night. My dear boy, you know the prized goose in the window down the street?
Boy: The one as big as me?
Scrooge: That’s the one. Go and buy it so the Tiny Tim and his family might have a Christmas feast.
Boy: What shall I buy it with, sir? I’m so poor.
Scrooge: Well, with this, of course. [Throws a golden coin. The coin flips and flips, then hits the boy’s eye and hurts him]
Boy: Ah! Oh my god. What the hell are you doing? I’m blind.
Scrooge: Why didn’t you catch it?
Boy: You’re blaming me?
Scrooge: Then here, okay? Please take this for your medical bills.
Boy: What’s that?
Oh my god!
Mikey: This crazy old man is whipping coins into the eyes of orphans.
Scrooge: I didn’t know he was an orphan.
Boy: Yeah? Like I look like I have living parents?
Spirit: Hey, Scrooge. Just thought I’d check in and see how you… [see’s the boy’s eyes] Oh my god.
Mikey: Someone arrest that man. He’s blinding children for sport.
Andrew: He’s always been a cruel old man. He hates us orphans.
Spirit: Let me guess. You tossed the coin way up in the air, right? That’s a classic mistake. What do you want to do is toss the coin straight down. Now watch this. [Throws a coin. The coin hits Andrew’s eye now.]
Mikey: What are you doing?
Boy: I couldn’t see what happened.
Molly: He’s blinding whole town here.
Spirit: Okay, that was my bad. Here, kid. Put the ice on it. [Throws an ice which then pierces Andrew. Andrew is bleeding all over other people.]
Scrooge: That was him [pointing at spirit]
Spirit: Yeah, they can’t see me because I’m a ghost. So you look like a total psychopath.
Tiny Tim: Is it true Mr. Scrooge? Are you blinding children for fun?
Scrooge: Of course not, Tiny Tim. I’m a changed man. I tell you. Now, take this money to fix your legs. I’ll just throw it on the ground right then you can pick it up okay?
Mikey: Scrooge just threw Tiny Tim into a sewer.
Molly: He’s the devil.
Spirit: Okay, my earlier advice was to be nicer to people, but my new advice is to lawyer up.
Scrooge: It’s fine. I can take care of this. Lets everyone keep quiet about this whole incident, shall we? And I’ll make it worth your while.
Mikey: Please stop yelling and throwing shiny objects. You’re going to spook the horse.
Scrooge: Okay, well, we’ve all learned a lot today, haven’t we? But the most important lesson is, Merry Christmas.
Male voice: Apple pay, never use coins again.