Bowen Yang
Santa… Steve Martin
Elf… Martin Short
Penny… Chloe Fineman
Danny… Andrew Dismukes
Amanda… Ego Nwodim
Lisa… Sarah Sherman
Bowen: Children of all ages, you’ve come to the right place. The actual Mr. Chris Granville himself has come all the way from the North Pole and Santa!
Santa: Ho-ho-ho. That is right. My schedule is a little crazy right now, but there’s no place I’d rather be. Right Sprinkles, the Elf?
Elf: That’s right, Santa. Can’t say no to a hopeful child. Or my name isn’t Pringles the Elf.
Santa: Oh, is it Sprinkles or Pringles?
Elf: It’s sprinkles but sometimes I get excited and I say Pringles. I don’t know. I like Pringles.
Santa: Good. I have been calling you Sprinkles for hundreds of years.
Elf: Right. It’s Sprinkles? I made a mistake.
Santa: Okay, who’s first?
Bowen: This is Penny. She’s nine. And I’m pretty sure she’s your biggest fan.
Penny: Hi, Santa. I love you, Santa.
Santa: Oh, isn’t that sweet? Now what do you want for Christmas this year?
Penny: Well, I would like a Magic Nixies Crystal Ball.
Santa: Oh, that sounds like something I like too.
Penny: And What The Fluff interactive toy cat.
Santa: Oh, well, you’re gonna have to have that.
Penny: And oh. I also…
Elf: [yelling] That’s enough. You asked for two things. That’s enough. Read the room.
Penny: But I want a rainbow high doll.
Elf: I said no. It’s too much. He can’t do it.
Santa: Sprinkles, of course I can do it. I’m Santa. You’ll get all yes for and more, Penny. I promise you.
Penny: Thanks, Santa.
Elf: Next!
Bowen: Is everything okay
Elf: Yes.
Santa: It is?
Elf: I said yes.
Bowen: Okay, this is Danny. He’s 11.
Santa: Hey.
Danny: Hi. My mom says soon I’ll be too old to come see you. So I should go now.
Santa: Nonsense. You’re never too old now. What do you want this year?
Danny: Well, I was thinking I want a Razor X skateboard and Beats wireless headphones and a Todd Snyder popover hoodie.
Elf: Oh my God. Are you trying to kill him?
Danny: What?
Elf: He cannot operate on this level. You want to Todd Snyder what?
Danny: Popover hoodie.
Elf: He doesn’t know what that is.
Santa: Of course I do. It’s like a hoodie with a thing. It’s a wonderful gift.
Elf: What happened to the air pods he got you last year?
Danny: I lost them.
Elf: Ah, you son of a bitch, get out of here. No more shit. [stands and walks to Danny, pulls him off and pushes him out] Now, stay out. Next.
Santa: Sprinkles.
Elf: What?
Santa: You have legs.
Elf: Yes. My god. Three years now. Thanks for noticing.
Santa: Yeah. That’s amazing.
Bowen: Okay, I’m not sure this is a good idea. But this is Amanda.
Santa: Hi, Amanda, aren’t you cute.
Amanda: I want Taylor Swift tickets.
Elf: Say that again. I dare you.
Amanda: I want Taylor Swift tickets.
Elf: [yelling] Then get a job.
Santa: Sprinkles. Can I talk with you?
Elf: What are you doing? You’re just saying yes to everything.
Santa: But I love children.
Elf: There are 2 billion of them. And they all want a fortnight battle passes, whatever the hell it is.
Santa: Sprinkles, calm down. Every year you worry we can’t pull it off. But we always do. And we’ll do it this year too, I promise.
Elf: With fixedness magic?
Santa: Well, there’s this other stuff I heard about. And it’s called speed.
Elf: Speed? What’s that?
Santa: Well, it’s some kind of vitamin that makes you go faster. We just have to figure out where to get some.
Elf: Well, can’t you ask one of the kids that they have any?
Santa: No, I’m not allowed to ask them for stuff. But maybe if one of them brings it up, you know, I can kind of ask them.
Elf: Okay, let’s try.
Santa: Okay. Hi, little girl. What’s your name?
Lisa: Hi, I’m Lisa and I want to pony.
Santa: Oh, that’s great. You know anything about speed?
Lisa: No. What is that?
Santa: Oh, this kid’s nothing. Get out of here.
Elf: Hey wait, that guy knows I bet.
Bowen: Who? Me?
Elf: He knows. He knows.
Santa: He definitely knows. Come here little boy.
Uh-huh. And they take cash.
Elf: Christmas is safe.