Kyle Mooney[Starts with Aidy Bryant in her makeup room]
Aidy: Oh, hi. I’m SNL’s Aidy Bryant. You know, over my 10 years on the show, I have played dozens of teachers, principals, mothers, women named Diane, Susan or teacher. I have loved all of these sweet nurturing women. But the show said that if I played 150 of them, then as a reward, I could write a sketch of my own choosing, you know, to show a different side of myself. So tonight, this is that sketch. Enjoy.[Cut to the sketch. Oscar is being dressed by Bowen and Kyle.]
Oscar: Oh good god, I’m so nervous. I can’t believe she agreed to go on a date with me, a lose and a fool. How do I look?
Bowen: You look fantastic, so I’m sure she’ll be titillated.
Kyle: But you’re right to be scared. She is the most widely desired woman in the world.
Oscar: Oh, I’m sick. I’m sick with feeling for this woman. [doorbell ringing.] It’s her. Pray for me, boys.
Aidy: Oh, hello. Now, scram, boys, and leave this man to me.
Oscar: Oh, my God. You are so beautiful and sexual. And I can tell your personality is also very good.
Aidy: Oh, God, if I had a nickel for every time I heard a man say that, I’d have so many coins, it’d be annoying.
Oscar: Oh, sensual woman. You make me so horny. I see why they cool you the sexual woman.[Cut back to Aidy in herm makeup room]
Aidy: So, yes. I lied to Oscar Isaac. I told him I have a famous recurring character on the show called “The Sexual Woman”. Is that a crime?[Cut to the sketch. Isaac is brushing Aidy’s hair.]
Oscar: I’m the luckiest man on earth to be brushing your hair. Mind if I get a little closer?
Aidy: Oh, sure. Bring your head and body that look like that close to the mine. Whatever. I don’t care.
Oscar: I need you to know, I see you sexually. I don’t see you as someone who would like run a school. I mean, you are the most under 35 person I’ve ever met.
Aidy: Oh, stop it, you flirt.
Oscar: Well, I bet you’re about to do your big catch phrase?
Aidy: Oh, right. Yes. My famous catchphrase, of course. What was it? Yes, here we go. Hey, you, get your fat ass on my lap, bitch.
Oscar: Well, okay.
Aidy: Yes, come on.[Oscar sits on Aidy’s laps]
Oscar: I must confess I have a big cool boner right now. I sometimes get when I respect someone too much.[Cut to Aidy in her makeup room]r
Aidy: Now, why did I choose Oscar Isaac for the sketch? No reason. I mean pretty random. Every time I’ve done something romantic on the show, it’s been totally random. Like with Ryan Gosling or Drake. Oh my god. Do I have a pattern of sexual randomness? Well, whatever. You only live once. Now back to the sketch.[Cut to the sketch. Aidy is eating and Oscar is watching her eat.]
Oscar: Is the food alright? I hope you even like spaghetti.
Aidy: You’re lucky that I do.
Oscar: Oh, dammit! I’m in love with you and it’s killing me.[Oscar breaks the glass he’s holding]
Aidy: Oh! Yes, to me, this is normal behavior.
Oscar: I wrote a song for you. If that’s okay.[Oscar starts playing a guitar and sings] [singing] Sexual woman are you from Paris, Dubai or Barcelona.
Aidy: No, I’m from Arizona
Oscar: Sexual woman, I respect you so much
as is demonstrated by my insane Boner.
Aidy: Oh brother, a boner? Well, let me guess. You want to kiss me now?
Oscar: Yes I do. But not yet. You need time to digest all that spaghetti. For now, could we just hug?
Aidy: Good idea. I would have forgotten to digest and I would have regretted it later.
Oscar: What they say about who was true. You are everyone’s cup of tea. Including me, Oscar Isaac. [Oscar looks at the cue card with suspiciously]
Aidy: Oh, I know, Oscar Isaac.
Oscar: [breaking the character] Sorry. I’m sorry. It says my real name on the cards. Is that a mistake?
Aidy: I don’t know. I guess the writers are so annoying and stupid. I would say, I guess just go with it.
Oscar: Okay, all right. Yes. [gets into the character] Then let’s get my fat ass on your lap.
Male voice: The Sexual Woman. Hey, get your fat ass on my lap, bitch.