Vactor… Mikey Day
Lira… Brendan Gleeson
Chloe Fineman[Starts with show intro]
Male voice: You’re watching History channel. at 10, it’s “Bathing a beast: Hitler’s hygiene.” But first its ancient empires. Europe 500 BC, two tribes and a century long feud and forged alliances to protect their lands from invasion.
Vactor: For years to Voondi and the Thracian tribes have been at war. But now we, must put aside our differences and face a common enemy, the Golfen Horde.
Lira: Though it stings my tongue to say it, you’re right, Lord Vactor.
Kenan: Oh, so the Thracian Army will fight by our side?
Lira: We shall.
Vactor: Then let her seal this alliance in a blood oath as my people have done over thousand years. [Vactor cuts his palm with a knife and hands it to Lira. Lira also cuts his palm with the knife] To victory.
Lira: Victory. It was a sharp knife.
Vactor: May the gods smile on this union and bring up people’s strength.[Lira is making painful face]
Lira: I just cut myself good there, huh?
Vactor: What news from our scouts?
Kenan: The Golfens will be at our border in two moons time.
Chloe: Then we must act with haste. General Lira How many men do you have in your ranks?
Lira: Oh, lots. Thousands. Sorry. I’m still bleeding from that blood oath. Is your palm still bleeding?
Vactor: No. Blood oath requires but a scratch.
Lira: A scratch? Okay, so you went super light? Ah! I didn’t know that. My tribe doesn’t do blood oath. So I basically cut into my hand like I was cutting into steak.
Chloe: That was unwise of you.
Lira: I know. Like I said, I’ve never done a blood oath before. But it’s fine, I’ll deal with it.
Kenan: Okay, so your cut will not be the focus anymore? We’re finished with your cut?
Lira: First, I don’t love the attitude. And second, it’s not a cut. It’s a gash. But I’m done with it. So proceed.
Chloe: The Golfen Horde will surely cross the river here. [showing at a large map] This is where we make our stand.
Vactor: Yes, and I can deploy my archers along this narrow pass.
Lira: And my horsemen shall strike along this ridge.
Vactor: Oh my god.
Chloe: Oh! Oh my god.
Vactor: What the hell!
Lira: I didn’t know it was going to do that.
Kenan: Oh man. Look at my mouth! What you did to my mouth!
Lira: Oh, I’m sorry. It spurs out when I straighten my fingers like this.
Vactor: Then close your hand.
Lira: But I was just showing you what’s going on with this?
Kenan: We are aware. So just keep your hand closed man. My map! My map!
Lira: I already said sorry about the map.
Vactor: Alright. How bad did cut yourself?
Lira: i don’t know. I’m afraid to look. You look. [Lira opens the palm in front of Vactor’s face. The blood is spilled all over his face.] isn’t bad?
Kenan: Oh, yes. I saw a ligament. Ligament. Why would you slice your hands so deep?
Lira: I told you, we don’t do blood oaths in my tribe. We drown a dove and throw it in the fire.
Kenan: Okay, random.
Lira: I’m sorry, I ruined your whole meeting. Map guy hates me, girl thinks I’m a loser. Such a flop.
Chloe: Perfect. Surely we will lose now. This man can’t possibly fight.
Lira: Oh, soldier tongue. I still have plenty of fights in me. And I have a plan. As we can all see, night has fallen. And it has grown extremely dark.
Vactor: No it hasn’t.
Kenan: It’s the blood loss, man. The blood loss. [horns blowing] Golfen battle horns.
Vactor: The hour has come to victory!
All: To Victory!
Lira: Alright, let’s do this [opens his palm for high-five]