Ted… Jake Gyllenhaal
Dr. Wyatt… Punkie Johnson
Girlfriend… Ego Nwodim[Starts with a couple in couple’s therapy]
Ted: Well, you did it. You got me to couples therapy. Let’s see if this works.
Melissa: I promise it will Ted. She’s the highest rated therapist on ZocDoc. This will be good for us.[Dr. Wyatt walks in]
Dr. Wyatt: I am so sorry about that. I was just on a call. I am Dr. Wyatt. Tell me what brings you in here today?
Melissa: I’m just not sure if Ted really loves me anymore. He’s always locked in his basement reading anime.
Ted: It’s manga, sweetie. It’s only the most important art form of the MelissaTedst century.
Melissa: What about me, Ted? Am I important?
Dr. Wyatt: Guys, let’s try to work together instead of attacking each other. Okay? [phone ringing] I’m sorry. Do you mind if I take this? [answering the phone] Bitch I told you not to call me while I’m working. Oh really? Oh, you gonna shoot me? Well, I’d like to see your try. Come through bitch. It’s on site. [hangs up the phone] Now, as I was saying, it is all about communication.
Ted: I’m sorry. Did somebody just threaten to shoot you?
Dr. Wyatt: No, no. She doesn’t even know where I work. Have you always been afraid of conflict?
Ted: Well, I wouldn’t put it like that. I mean, I– [Dr. Wyatt’s phone ringing again] Well, you need to get that?
Dr. Wyatt: No, this is your time. Please continue.
Ted: I mean, I guess I don’t love conflict. And my father was an angry guy. Especially if he was drinking.
Dr. Wyatt: Okay, I– Actually I do have to take this. But hold that thought because anger is never the answer. [answering the phone] Yeah, hoe, where you at? Okay, cuz I’m at 453 Union Street, 5th floor. And there’s three of us in here. And we all strapped. [hangs up the phone] Now where were we?
Melissa: Well, honey, what’s strapped? Are we strapped?
Ted: No, no, we are not. Should we leave?
Dr. Wyatt: Absolutely not. Matter of fact, this is the perfect opportunity to practice expressing our emotions. [couple of text message notifications] Let’s try an exercise. Okay. Why don’t you read these texts to me from my partner and tell me how you would respond.[Dr. Wyatt hands over the phone to Ted to read the text messages]
Ted: Okay, fine. [making voice] Girl.
Dr. Wyatt: No. Don’t do that voice.
Ted: Okay. Girl, you think you’re the only one selling fish out in the streets? But I don’t need your stinky tuna when I get a beach full of fresh pink salmon every time it rains. I’m a bring a gun to your office. Okay, I’m calling the police.
Dr. Wyatt: Ha-ha-ha. She’s not serious. [someone’s knocking the door] Oh lord, hit the floor.
Melissa: Oh my god. I thought you said she wasn’t serious.
Dr. Wyatt: She’s not.
Girlfriend: What’s good, bitch! Now, everybody’s getting super stoked.
Dr. Wyatt: Oh, no, baby. This is my work week. What is this all about?
Girlfriend: I don’t know. Maybe you should ask Clarissa. Ain’t that who you’ve been texting?
Dr. Wyatt: I haven’t been texting nobody.
Ted: [looking at the phone] Actually, you did text Clarissa.
Girlfriend: That’s it. I’m about to get my real gun.
Dr. Wyatt: No, no, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait. Can you open the Clarissa texts and read her what I said?
Ted: Me? Okay, sure. [making voice] Girl.
Girlfriend: Do not do the voice.
Dr. Wyatt: Don’t do that.
Ted: Fine. Girl you think I want your two day old cat fish when the tilapia I get at home is so wet, it makes the river jealous. Lose this number or I’ll set your car on fire. Okay I don’t want to read these out loud anymore.
Girlfriend: Baby, that’s what you were saying to her?
Dr. Wyatt: Yes, baby.
Girlfriend: Okay. Well then, I got a little text for you. [Girlfriend sends a text message to Dr. Wyatt]
Dr. Wyatt: [to Ted] Could you read that to me?
Ted: Or she could say it to you.
Dr. Wyatt: Oh come on, please.
Girlfriend: Read the damn text.
Ted: Fine. Girl–
Dr. Wyatt: Wait! Give me the voice.
Ted: [making voice] Girl, why we catfish when our love is the whole damn ocean? [looking at Melissa] Deep and wide and wet as hell.
Melissa: Oh Ted, is that how you really feel?
Ted: I think so.
Dr. Wyatt: [clapping] Oh my god. I think we have made a lot of progress here today.
Melissa: You did all this to help us on purpose?
Dr. Wyatt: Yeah. Let’s just go with that. Okay, that will be $675, no insurance, cash only.
Girlfriend: Or else…