Female voice: Are you feeling tired and worn down? Sick of the endless grind at work? Exhausted by your family desperate for some peace and quiet? Then ask your doctor about COVID. By simply getting COVID, you’re guaranteed a five and sometimes even 10 day vacation from all of life’s problems.
Sarah: I needed a break just some time away from everyone. So my doctor suggested I get COVID, and it was the greatest week of my life.
Heidi: All I wanted was just sit on the good part of the couch and watch the Netflix I want to watch. And I was finally able to thanks to COVID.
Michael: At first, I was worried about getting COVID. But my doctor assured me it’s fine now. I’m triple Vaxed, quadruple if you count HPV. So it’s my time to shine.
Female voice: Side effects of COVID include having COVID, which is still kind of bad, but doesn’t it seem different now?
Sarah: I definitely got sick. And I also got paid for 10 days to never leave a blanket. Plus I got a great story. I could tell people at work. [telling her colleagues] It was like I had a bad cold for three days.
Heidi: And of course I had to isolate from my three kids, because I didn’t want to get them sick.
Heidi’s husband: But what do they eat? [Heidi just closes the door in relief]
Heidi: I gave it 14 days to be extra safe.
Female voice: And for an extra fee, we’ll knock out the Wi-Fi near your house so you can’t do any Zooms.
Sarah: Oh, well, too bad.
Female voice: COVID is the perfect way to get out of jury duty, cousin’s wedding, friends improv show, neighbours adult baptism and husband’s murder trial. At this point, COVID is basically a 10 day cruise, which is also a great way to get COVID
Sarah: COVID isn’t for everyone. That’s why there’s also new COVID always positive home test, the only COVID test that comes with two pink lines already drawn on.
Heidi: [looking at the test kit] Again?
Heidi’s husband: But you just had it a week ago. [walking out with kids] Please don’t do this to me. [Heidi shuts the door on him]
Female voice: COVID, because sometimes the only way to get mentally healthy is to get physically sick.
Sarah: And sure, there might be long term memory problems. But that would honestly be amazing because there’s so much I want to forget. [There’s a picture of her participating in Capitol riot]
Michael: My brand’s already really bad. If it gets 10% worse, but I don’t have to talk to a single person for a week, I’ll take that deal and a horse beat.
Female voice: You mean a heartbeat?
Micheal: [chuckles] Either way, thanks, COVID.
Sarah; Thanks COVID.
Heidi: Vanks VOVID.
Sarah: I think I’ll get COVID again, today.
Female voice: COVID. Go ahead. You deserve a break.