Dave Chappelle Stand-Up Monologue

Dave Chappelle

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Chappelle.

[Dave Chappelle walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Dave Chappelle: Thank you. Thank you very much for being here. Before I start tonight, I just wanted to read a brief statement that I prepared. I denounce anti semitism in all its forms and I stand with my friends and the Jewish community. And that, Kanye, is how you buy yourself some time.

I gotta tell you guys, I’ve probably been doing this 35 years now. And early in my career, I learned that there are two words in the English language that you should never say together in sequence. And those words are the and Jews. I never heard someone do good after they say that.

Kanye’s got into some scrapes before. Normally when he was in trouble, I pull up immediately. This time, I was like, “You know what? Let me see what’s gonna happen first.” I can’t remember how it started. Vaguely, I remember it started with a tweet. Strange tweet. It was like, “I’m feeling a little sleepy. I’ma get me some rest. But when I wake up, I’m gonna go DEF CON 3 on the Jews.” And then he just went to bed. I was up all night worried, “What is he gonna do to the Jew?”

I grew up around Jewish people. I have a lot of Jewish friends. So I’m not freaked out by your culture. I know a little bit about it just from hanging around. “Yo, let’s go out at school tomorrow.” They were like, “We can’t go out, it’s Sha Na Na tomorrow.” I’m like, “What? What is Sha Na Na?” I had so many questions. “Why do some of you people dress like Run DMC?”

Kanye woke up from that night and went right to work. A year ago I’d seen him on a podcast called Drink Champs. Great show. And it was amazing appearance. Noriega and them were there, rappers that I loved, and they all had their gold chains and stuff on. And Kanye said, “Only millionaires were chains.” They said, “What?” He said, “I’m a billionaire. Billionaires don’t wear their money on their body.” I took my chain and I said, “Oh snap.”

It was a good appearance. It was fun and funny.

When he woke up, he went on drink champs again. This time, he was on one. He was mad about something. He said, “I can say anti semitic things and Adidas can’t drop me. Now what?” Adidas dropped him immediately. Ironically, Adidas was founded by Nazis, and they were offended against the students past the teacher. It’s a big deal. He broke show business rules. Because there’s a rule. You know, the rules of perception. If they’re black, then it’s a gang. If they’re Italian, it’s a mob. But if they’re Jewish, it’s a coincidence and you should never speak about it.

Kanye got in so much trouble, Kyrie got in trouble. Kyrie Irving posted a link to a movie that he had seen on Amazon. No caption on the posts and nothing like that. But apparently this movie had some, I don’t know, anti semitic tropes or something. It was some weird title like “From Hebrew to Negro,” or something. And the NBA told him he should apologize. And he was slow to apologize. And then the list of demands to get back in their good graces got longer and longer and this is where you know, I draw the line. I know the Jewish people have been through terrible things all over the world, but you can’t blame that on black Americans. You just can’t. You know what I mean? Thanks the one person that said, “Who?” A fair punishment would be you just post a link to Schindler’s List and y’all read your own captions. Kyrie Irving’s black ass was nowhere near the Holocaust. In fact, he’s not even certain it exists.

I saw one news spun and screaming about Kanye, she said “Mental health is no excuse for that type of language.” Yes it is bitch. You’d kill somebody if you’re mentally ill. Listen, okay, I don’t think Kanye is crazy at all. I think he’s possibly not well. I’ve been to Hollywood. I don’t want y’all to get mad at me, I’m just telling you. I’ve been to Hollywood. This is just what I saw. It’s a lot of juice. Like, a lot. But that don’t mean anything. You know what I mean? There’s a lot of black people in Ferguson, Missouri. Doesn’t mean we run the place.

I can see if you had some kind of issue, you know what I mean,? You might go up to Hollywood and you might start connecting some kind of lines and you could maybe adopt the delusion that the Jews run show business. Not a crazy thing to think. But it’s a crazy thing to say out loud in a time like this.

Man, midterms over and it’s crazy climate. And I gotta tell you, I feel like this midterm, like all of humanity depends on it. And it’s an ominous sign. The most ominous sign of the midterms I believe would be Herschel Walker who I don’t want to speak badly because he’s black. But I have to admit, he’s observably stupid. Even when he’s not talking, his mouth be open a little bit like… He’s the kind of guy that looks like he thinks before he makes a move on tic tac toe. And I’m watching the news now, they’re declaring the end of the Trump era. Now, okay, I can see how in New York, you might believe this is the end of his era. I’m just being honest with you. I live in Ohio amongst the poor whites. A lot of you don’t understand why Trump was so popular, but I get it because I hear it every day. He’s very loved. The reason he’s lived is because people in Ohio have never seen somebody like him. He’s what I call an honest liar. I’m not joking right now. He’s an honest liar. That first debate. That first debate, I’d never seen anything like it. I’ve never seen a white male billionaire screaming at the top of his lungs, “This whole system is rigged,” he said. And across the stage was white woman, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama sitting away looking at him like, “No, it’s not.” I said, “Now, wait a minute, bro. It’s what he said.” And the moderator said well, Mr. Trump, if in fact the system is rigged as you suggest, what would be your evidence? Remember what he said bro? He said, “I know the system is rigged because I use it.” I said, “God damn!” And then he pulled out Illuminati membership card and chopped a line of cocaine and did it right at the podium. No one had ever heard someone say something that true.

And then Hillary Clinton had to punch him in the tax. She said this man doesn’t pay his taxes. He shot right back, “That makes me smart.” And they said, “If you want me to pay my taxes, then change the tax code. But I know you won’t. Because your friends and your donors enjoy the same tax breaks that I do.” And with that, my friends, a star was born. No one had ever seen anything like that. No one had ever seen somebody come from inside of that house outside and tell all the commoners, “We are doing everything that you think we are doing inside of that house. Then he went right back in the house and started playing the game again.

Democrats are sore losers. I’m a Democrat. I’m telling you, as soon as he won, they started saying all that he’s colluding with Russia, he’s colluding with Russia. It was very embarrassing as a Democrat. But as time went on, we all came to learn he was probably colluding with Russia. I even look at his wife different now. His wife is beautiful, no question about it, but she looks like the kind of chick the James Bond would smash but not trust.

Why he got all them documents in his house? What is this? This guy that’s famous for not reading his press briefings, now suddenly he got 10,000 documents in his house, gonna catch up on his reading list.

I’ve been fired from jobs many times in my life. And I will be very honest with you, sometimes I was fired I stole things from the office. Staplers, computer mouses, all kinds of stuff. Do you know what I never stole from work? Work.

The war in Ukraine brought it all in focus. And lucky for everybody in the western world, the Ukrainians are way better fighters than we thought they’d be. They killed 10,000 Russians the first week of the war. Even the Vietnamese were like, “God damn! Those are some good numbers.” This  is before they had weapons. Before we started sending them weapons, they were killing Reginald with things you can find around the house. That whole country Ukraine is littered with traps like Home Alone. They were stepping on rakes and touching hot doorknobs. Ah! How is Russia losing to the Ukraine? That would be like America losing a war to Colorado.

Now the midterms are over and everybody’s awake, these new white are like, they’re like newborn babies. Just woke up. Everything white people are mad about, we’ve been on that. “Man, I can’t feed my family.” Black people like, “We’ve been on that.” “Man we can trust the government.” “We’ve been on that.” “Man we should dismantle the FBI.” “Word to Martin Luther King bro, we been on that.”

Nobody listens to me. When I tell these jokes, you ignore me. My first Netflix special, what did I say? I said, “I don’t want to sneakers deal because the minute I say something that makes those people mad, they’re gonna take my sneakers away.” And the whole crowds like, “Ha-ha-ha.” But now you see Kanye walking around LA barefoot with his chain out. This guy lost a billion and a half dollars in a day. A billion and a half dollars a day. I saw that, I said, “Put your chain on, nigga, welcome back.”

It shouldn’t be too scary to talk about anything. It’s make my job incredibly difficult. To be honest with you, I’m getting sick talking to crowd like this. I love you to death. Thank you for the support. And I hope they don’t take anything away from me. Whoever they are.

We got a great show tonight. Brooklyn’s finest Black Star is in the building.