Courtney… Ego Nwodim
Courtney: Are you a woman? Have you ever dated the rapper Drake?
Punkie: Have you ever met Drake at a party? Talked on Instagram?
Courtney: Or even made flirty eye contact with him at a restaurant?
Keke: Has Drake then referenced you, your relationship or the potential there up in a song?
Courtney: If the answer is yes, you are not alone.
Keke: There are thousands of us, and you may be entitled to benefits.
Chloe: For too long we have witnessed Aubrey Drake gram right hit after hit about women who have wronged him.
Sarah: And some women who have done nothing at all.
Chloe: Only to earn millions of dollars.
Punkie: Well today, her loss is our gain.
Heidi: Because we, the thousands of Drake’s exes and shawties have voted to join forces.
Keke: And officially unionize as the United Tingz of Aubrey.
Punkie: It is time that we stand up and fight for our rights as Tings in the united front.
Courtney: My name is Courtney. I left Drake a voicemail once about an overdue car payment. And now I’m an interlude on an album. How does that work?
Heidi: I serve Drake some leather straps at PF Changs and 2009. I laughed at it as joke about our huge menus, and apparently I’m his ex now? Make that make sense.
Punkie: Well, Drake hit on me at a Dave and Busters once. I told him that I was a lesbian and he said, “Me too.”
Keke: My name is Keke Palmer. And that “Kiki, do you love me” song ruined my damn life. That man had the whole internet asking if I was the Kiki. Well, yes, I am the Keke, just got that Kiki. It was my name first. Stop acting like we smashed, and give me my damn $6 million.
Sarah: Drake sent me a Bobby Hill GIF on Instagram once. I said who is that? Next thing I know, I’m that goofy shawty from Virginia Beach who curved him.
Chloe: We may have started from the bottom, but we still here.
Keke: To be clear. To be clear, a union membership is not dependent on dating Drake. You may qualify as one of our Aubrey Tingz if you met Drake at a basketball game, met Drake at a club, saw Drake at a club, been to a club at all.
Punkie: Have dined at the following restaurants. Ruth’s Chris steakhouse. Carbone. Nobu, Nobu, Nobu, Nobu.
Sarah: But here at United Tingz of Aubrey, we believe in a brighter future.
Punkie: One where Tingz can be left alone.
Keke: and your name stays out of Drake’s mouth.
All: 525,600 shawties. 525,600 Tingz.
Keke: In strip clubs and airports, black women who live in Memphis.
Courtney: It doesn’t matter if you’ve met him at all.
Man: United Tingz of Aubrey. #TingsAcrossAmerica.