Morris… Aidy Bryant
Fitzsimmons… Mikey Day
Colleen… Kate McKinnon[Starts with three people being held for investigation in NSA office]
Morris: Well, hello once again. [cheers and applause] I am agent Morris with the NSA and this is Special Agent Fitzsimmons.
Fitzsimmons: You three are a great interest to the US government as the bulk of you have experienced a third verified alien abduction.
Cecily: I mean, this is wild cuz we were just three gal pals road trippin to a hot sauce Expo. Now we’re VIP guests at the Pentagon.
Natasha: Yeah, and I just like to say for the record, Pentagon has always been my favorite shape. So this is a real treat for me.
Fitzsimmons: All right, good to hear. Now let’s start with how you were all brought into the spacecraft.
Cecily: Um, well we had pulled over on the side of the highway just to stretch our legs and suddenly I was like enveloped by this warm blue light.
Natasha: And it gently lifted us up onto the ship like we was floating. Well, then we met these aliens made pure energy. Almost like angels sir. I just about cried.
Morris: And you Ms. Rafferty?
Colleen: [smoking] Yes, same.
Morris: Oh, really.
Colleen: No, obviously not. Yeah, I wasn’t so much gently lifted as I was yanked skyward by some kind of claw machine device. And mind you, I’m popping squat on the median at the time. So I slide right out of my slacks and I’m being rocketed up to the ship with my coot-coote prune shooting, yeah. I barely managed to pull my Wonder ware backup.
Fitzsimmons: I’m sorry, your wonder wear?
Colleen: Yeah, I call them that because if you saw him, you’d wonder where they’ve been. Anyway, so I get dumped on board the bottom of the ship and I see my old pals, a little grey aliens with the big dumb eyes and it hits me, “Colleen, this might be the most stable relationship you ever had.”
Morris: Well, that’s unfortunate. Now once you were on board, what happened?
Natasha: While the aliens, they showed us like the five elemental forces that knit the fabric of reality together. And y’all never believe this but those five forces were arranged in a pentagon.
Cecily: And there’s a universal language that like, bond’s the universe together. The closest word we have to describe it is love.
Morris: And you Ms. Rafferty.
Colleen: A little different down in third class. I get on board and the grey aliens, god bless them, they’re already standing in line waiting about my knockers around. So I think what the hell, play the hits, right? I started on buttoning my blouse, but I’m still in my skivvies which are real loose. So my yeasty and my beastie are in full view. Listen, not to get too graphic but pubic-ly speaking, it’s is a jungle down there. I got more hair poking out the sides than a hipsters beard stuffed into an n95. I’m not proud of it but hey, why clean the house and nobody’s coming over, right?
Morris: Thanks, Ms. Rafferty for that detailed account? Now? What happened next with the energy beings?
Natasha: Well, aliens showed us how an infinite number of realities can coexist at once.
Cecily: Yeah, and like how, all the different realities converge in this one spot where all the love of every being exists forever. It’s kind of what we would call heaven.
Colleen: What? All right, no, these are these two are hanging with Dr. Strange in the multiverse. Meanwhile I’m stuck with the Madness, okay? Because back in economy, word is out about my hairy squatter and the greys are all buzzed, okay? These clowns are pointing at Madame their hair, and they’re kind of— They’re elbowing each other. Like, “Hey, are you guys seeing this?”
Fitzsimmons: So the group’s reaction was one of excitement?
Colleen: Yeah, like when a dog— Like a dog when its owner comes home from work. Whoo! It was bedlam, okay? They’re running around. They’re waving their arms like Kermit the Frog. Making weird little noises like [making noise] And then one of these little bastards runs up, and I’m sorry Carla, I gotta use you here. Plucks one, yeah. Plucks one right out, start showing it off. And suddenly my curlies have become the must have item of the season. And they’re flying out the shelves. These morons are grabbing and grabbing, climbing all over each other like my bush is the last lifeboat on the Titanic.
Morris: And were you unsettled by this at all.?
Colleen: No, honestly, the entire time all I could think was “Damn, that fortune teller was dead on.” Did you guys get any that pube stuff?
Cecily: No, no pube stuff. Sorry.
Colleen: Hey, don’t apologize. First time in my life, I’m ready for bikini season.
Morris: Wow. Again, very detailed. Well, how are you returned to Earth?
Cecily: So there was another self light that washed over me and I was instantly just back to where I was before.
Natasha: Oh, it was like waking up from an amazing dream.
Colleen: Okay, see now, that really rips my nips. Because I had to climb down a GD rope ladder that was too short. Right? So I dropped 20 feet and I land ass up with my dong haul and my wrong haul out in the middle of a field.
Fitzsimmons: And what happened next?
Colleen: the umpire called timeout. And the mid security staff took me out of the stadium. Look not the most embarrassing thing I’ve done on a Jumbotron.
Morris: That was a riveting testimony. But there is something you should all know. We’ve been in contact with the beings.
Fitzsimmons: They have offered the US government access to some of their technology if one of you agrees to go with them permanently.
Colleen: Well, I can read the room, it’s me right? Sure. Why not? I always kind of felt like an alien on this planet anyway.[a door opens. It’s dark here and very bright behind the door. Colleen walks to the door.]
Well, Earth, I love you. Thanks for letting me stay a while. [two aliens come out and look around] Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.