Steve Doocy… Alex Moffat
Brian Kilmeade… Mikey Day
Ainsley Earhardt… Heidi Gardner
Clarence Thomas… Kenan Thompson
Jenny Thomas… Kate McKinnon
Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong
Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson
Female voice: You’re watching Fox and Friends.
Steve Doocy: Good morning, Vietnam. Ha-ha. Welcome to Fox and Friends. That’s Brian kill me.
Brian Kilmeade: Hello.
Steve Doocy: The Ainsley ear and heart.
Ainsley Earhardt: Okay, y’all are gonna kill me with these jokes.
Steve Doocy: And I’m Steve Doocy here on this gorgeous 30 degree spring New York morning. What a hell hole of a city. Ha-ha-ha. Brian, how was the weekend?
Brian Kilmeade: Oh, very exciting, Steve. I got on True Srocial.
Ainsley Earhardt: Oh, President Trump’s exclusive new social media platform?
Steve Doocy: Yeah? Fancy. What’s it like?
Brian Kilmeade: You know, it’s funny. I downloaded the app, opened it in my phone immediately got very, very hot. Like over 140 degrees.
Steve Doocy: Wow, just from the app?
Brian Kilmeade: Yeah, burned my son actually. Anyway, True Social, five stars.
Ainsley Earhardt: Okay, guys. Speaking of truth, all right, crush of the week, Ted Cruz, absolutely wiped the floor with Ketanji Brown Jackson last week by waving a children’s book at her.
Steve Doocy: So powerfully.
Brian Kilmeade: Fatality.
Steve Doocy: I’m sorry, Miss Jackson, but I am foe the First Amendment.
Ainsley Earhardt: All right, here to talk about that and the Supreme Court are two friends of ours handling their own little controversy this week, Justice Clarence and Jenny Thomas.
Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha. Alright.
Jenny Thomas: Hello, friends.
Ainsley Earhardt: Well, first off, honorable Justice Thomas, you were just in the hospital? Is that right?
Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. That’s what they say.
Ainsley Earhardt: Yeah? So what’s going on? You feeling okay?
Clarence Thomas: I guess we’ll see.
Steve Doocy: Yeah, for saying you had COVID, but not true, right. Justice T?
Clarence Thomas: Oh, anything is possible.
Brian Kilmeade: Justice Thomas always playing close to the vest. I respect that. Now, Jenny, the left is currently losing their minds over a couple of completely normal texts you sent to your pal Mark Meadows on January Jeanine Pirro, is that right?
Jenny Thomas: It sure is.
Steve Doocy: And now they want the honorable justice to recuse himself. I mean, you’re allowed to speak your mind.
Jenny Thomas: Yes. And I don’t want any trouble. I take my duty as the Yoko Ono of the Supreme Court very seriously. All I want is a tidal wave of biblical vengeance to wash away the Biden crime family all the way to get well, and then we release the kraken.
Brian Kilmeade: Okay, well, that is terrific.
Steve Doocy: Uh-huh. Justice Thomas, she doesn’t talk to you about this stuff though, right?
Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. Some say yes, some say no.
Steve Doocy: Well, Justice T, it’s so great to have someone here who isn’t afraid to tell us what he really thinks.
Clarence Thomas: Who?
Steve Doocy: Well, you of course, sir.
Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. You’re crazy, man.
Ainsley Earhardt: Alright. Great. Well, thank you both so much. Now later this afternoon on Fox, it’s The Five, let’s check in with co-host judge Jeanine Pirro to see what’s in store.
Jeanine Pirro: Hello, my only friends. Later on The Five, Disney has an exciting new project, turning your kindergartner gay. Last week, Governor DeSantis signed a bill protecting our precious Florida schools from America’s dangerous Ellen’s and Caitlin’s. By the way, Caitlyn Jenner, welcome to the Fox News family. Now, well, Disney won’t stop until all of Disney World is packed with twinkerbells, Cinder fellas and that gay Mr. Toad.
Then representative Madison Cawthorn. Oh, Madison, you had me at white supremacy. You lost me at arching. And Kyle Rittenhouse to abuse his new cookbook, coming up on The Five.
Steve Doocy: Well, thank you so much. Judge. That sounds terrific as always.
Jeanine Pirro: You bet. [Opens up a can of beer and drinks] Salut.
Brian Kilmeade: Yeah, love that. Now this is exciting. I’m hearing we actually have a surprise on the line. Am I correct?
Ainsley Earhardt: Oh-oh. Is he here? Hello? Mr. President. Are you on FaceTime?
Donald Trump: If you build it, I will come. Hello, friends. Can you see me?
Steve Doocy: Mr. President? Wow, what a treat. Thanks for fitting us into your busy schedule.
Donald Trump: Oh very busy, Steve, here at Mar-a-Lago with the golf for the wedding receptions and getting gloves of bacon with dogs at breakfast bar.
Brian Kilmeade: Well, so much to discuss but I gotta ask sir, Did you see the famous slap?
Donald Trump: You know, I did see slap. I enjoyed slap. I was very impressed by Hitch. Quite an arm on Hitch. I always knew Hitch had an arm. Back in pursuit of happiness, he’s lugging the machine on and off the subway. I thought it was great. They slept in the bathroom in that movie. It’s so sad. It’s so sad. But it’s a sad day for Hitch too. It’s a very sad. That kind of behavior is not gonna help Kevin James get a date with [gibberish]
Brian Kilmeade: Absolutely, Amen to that sir.
Ainsley Earhardt: Now sir, the January sixth committee hearing is gearing up to make all sorts of claims. So let’s just put this to rest. Did you commit a coup, sir?
Donald Trump: No, no. You know what? There was no coup. It was an event, perhaps a take back event a coup perhaps. But I don’t like coup. I just don’t like coup. I don’t like the P at the end of coup. I think you should take that P and push it. Well, pushing P. Of course if you take off P from coup, you have cow which goes moo, which you know perhaps that’s where they get coup. But Doo-ku-who-do? You do. Do what? Remind me of the bay. But yes, in many ways it wasn’t intentional planned coup. Yes.
Ainsley Earhardt: Right. Okay.
Steve Doocy: But they’re saying there’s this seven hour gap and Whitehouse call logs that day. I mean, you didn’t use a burner phone, did you sir?
Donald Trump: No, not true. Never use burner phone except for perhaps January 6 during that seven. I couldn’t even tell you what a burner phone looks like. Honestly, I was too busy with phone call and burner phone and coup.
Brian Kilmeade: Okay, gotcha. But let’s be real sir. The left wants to paint January 6 as some violent revolution. It wasn’t.
Donald Trump: Could have been, should have been, maybe. Violent is perhaps. They used to do violent all the time. You line up the opponents, you go bang-bang-bang, shoot them dead. So easy. So many problems. So many problems. You shoot them dead with a big fat beautiful uncircumcised gun. Now that’s what I call a coup. Hey, by the way, did you hear this? I got it all in one? Did anybody hear that?
Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt: Yes! Yes!
Ainsley Earhardt: Congrats sir. Please tell us about it.
Donald Trump: You know I’d love to, but my phone is getting very, very hot to the touch right now?
Brian Kilmeade: You’ve got True Social, sir.
Donald Trump: Yes indeed. True Social, the only app with a smell.
Steve Doocy: Well, thank you so much, sir. We’ll be right back. And…
Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.