Steve Doocy… Mikey Day
Brian Kilmeade… Bowen Yang
Ainsley Earhardt… Heidi Gardner
Kari Lake… Cecily Strong
Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson
[Starts with show intro]Female voice: You’re watching Fox and Friends.
[Cut to the show set]Steve Doocy: Good morning. Welcome to Fox and Friends. I’m Steve Doocy here with the lovely Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt.
Ainsley Earhardt: Hey, everybody, happy early Thanksgiving and Wakanda forever.
Brian Kilmeade: I don’t think we’re allowed to say that.
Ainsley Earhardt: Everybody chill.
Steve Doocy: Well, what a terrible week for the GOP. The Dems are retaining control of the Senate. So what the heck happened to that red wave that people were talking about?
Brian Kilmeade: Yeah, who was promising that because couldn’t have been us every day?
Ainsley Earhardt: Well, thankfully, there’s no way to check, but it definitely didn’t happen. And according to everybody, only one man was to blame. Look at these headlines, Trumpty Dumpty and Trumpster Fire. Ouch.
Steve Doocy: And look at this op ed. Mr. DeSantis. Will you be my new daddy?
Ainsley Earhardt: Now, who wrote that?
Steve Doocy: Eric Trump.
Ainsley Earhardt: Wow, seems like everybody’s turning on Trump.
Brian Kilmeade: Yeah. And per company wide email we’ve got this morning, he’s dead to us.
Steve Doocy: Now, nearly every candidate Trump backed lost this week, except for one who’s still hanging on by a thread. And she’s here with us today. Please welcome Kari Lake.
Kari Lake: Hello there. Hi. And greetings from Arizona where the average age and temperature is 95.
Brian Kilmeade: Hi, Carrie, and thanks for being here during what’s what must be a very stressful time for your campaign.
Kari Lake: Hey, my campaign isn’t dead yet. Even though my camera filter makes it look like I’m in heaven.
Ainsley Earhardt: Now, Kari, it seemed like this was a race you’d easily when you have it’s been a real nail biter. You and your opponent are currently neck and neck.
Kari Lake: That is because the Maricopa county officials are incompetent. And it’s my belief that the election is rigged and the results should be thrown out.
Brian Kilmeade: Oh, it sounds like some new numbers are coming in which has you taking a narrow lead over Katie Hobbs.
Kari Lake: Chich is why I have always said this is a democracy. Trust the system. Trust the voters.
Brian Kilmeade: Sorry, I spoke too soon, another batch of votes just came in and you are now losing again.
Kari Lake: Because our system is broken. And it always has been.
Brian Kilmeade: Well, I’m sorry, I misread that. You’re actually back in the lead.
Kari Lake: But thankfully now it’s fixed. Look, I am 100% confident I’m going to win this election. And I won’t stop fighting until every vote is counted and then some votes are taken away. Because who the Arizonans want leading them? Katie Hobbs who’s hiding in a basement or me, Kari Lake who lives right here in this beautiful pool of Vaseline and who’s out there every single day at CVS asking black customers if they work here.
Steve Doocy: Well, we are rooting for you, Kari. We know the votes will go your way.
Kari Lake: Well, if they don’t, I’ll burn Arizona to the ground.
Steve Doocy: Wow. Well, she was nice.
Ainsley Earhardt: I hope the Trump effect doesn’t mess with her campaign.
Brian Kilmeade: You think he still watches our show?
Steve Doocy: Well, he’s at his daughter’s wedding this weekend. So at least we know he won’t call in.
Donald Trump: Hello, it’s your favorite president.
Brian Kilmeade: New phone, who this?
Ainsley Earhardt: He’s just kidding. Hi, Donald. Congratulations on Tiffany’s wedding.
Donald Trump: Who? Oh, oh, yeah. It’s okay. They’re just doing the vows.
Steve Doocy: Great. Well, we were just talking about you. There was that New York Post headline that culture Trumpty Dumpty and said you had a great fall.
Donald Trump: Well, I agree. I had a great fall. I had a great summer as well. And you know, many people are saying I’ll have a great winter. But I’m having a great fall. Okay, the leaves are turning red. It’s a red wave in terms of tree and with regard to leaf.
Ainsley Earhardt: We heard that you’re blaming, that you’re blaming both Sean Hannity and Melania for advising you to endorse Dr. Oz.
Donald Trump: It’s true. It’s true. Let me tell you, it’s very hard being in a fight with your soulmate. And also Melania. Now, all anyone wants to talk about is Ronda sanctimonious. I’m surprised. I know that word too. But Ron out it’s so easy.
Brian Kilmeade: All right, you said DeSantis has the advantage of sunshine.
Donald Trump: That’s right. Everybody goes to Florida for the sunshine. But look, I made Ron DeSantis, okay? He was going to lose until went FBI agents to go and fix his election.
Brian Kilmeade: Wait, you just admitted to what?
Donald Trump: But he’s ungrateful and now he’s trying to steal my sunshine just like Len. And you know, Len, they were a one hit wonder. Okay? Kinda like OMC. And these election results are making us go how bizarre? How bizarre? How bizarre? We’re all hearing that all the time, right? How bizarre?
Ainsley Earhardt: Don’t you need to walk your daughter down the aisle?
Donald Trump: Missed it. Anyway what are you guys talking about? What are you guys talking about? You see Fabelmans?
Ainsley Earhardt: Mr. President, I don’t know how to tell you this but we’ve moved on. We can’t have you on the show anymore.
Donald Trump: What? What did I do? Was it the insurrection?
Brian Kilmeade: No.
Donald Trump: The impeachment.
Brian Kilmeade: No.
Donald Trump: Blackmailing Ukraine?
Brian Kilmeade: No.
Donald Trump: Charlottesville?
Brian Kilmeade: No.
Donald Trump: Didn’t make wall?
Brian Kilmeade: No.
Donald Trump: the murder?
Brian Kilmeade: What?
Donald Trump: Kidding.
Steve Doocy: It’s because you lost. Mr. President, we just don’t see a future with you. But you know what? We can still be friends. Okay? So bye bye now.
Donald Trump: Wait, wait. I have a big announcement, November 15th. Don’t push me off. I have a big announcement and it’s not what you think. I’m running for president again.
Ainsley Earhardt: Oh god.
Steve Doocy: That was awkward. but we’re finally free. Change is on the horizon and I have a pretty good idea we won’t be hearing from him again. [phone vibrating] And he’s calling my phone.
Brian Kilmeade: And mine.
Kari Lake: [sitting between Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade in place of Ainsley Earhardt, with a ring light on her face.] Mine too.
Steve Doocy: Whoa! Kari? What are you doing here?
Kari Lake: You think if I lose, I’m just gonna go away? Not on your life. We’ll be back for more Kari and friends. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.