Headshots

Dustin… Michael Longfellow

Photographer… Andrew Dismukes

Grandpa… Michael Longfellow

Colin Farrell

[Starts with Dustin walking into the studio]

Dustin: Hey, I’m here for the head shots. You’re the photographer?

Photographer: No, I just like standing next to cameras. I’m kidding. I’m funny. Sit over there, we’ll get started.

Dustin: So, I brought in a couple of different looks. Nothing crazy. But…

Grandpa: Dustin? Dustin?

Dustin: Grandpa, what are you doing?

Grandpa: You forgot your fedora in the car. I thought you might need it for your little acting photos.

Dustin: They’re called head shots, grandpa. I’m sorry about him.

Grandpa: Oh, I see. I’ve interrupted. My apologies. I’ll shove off.

Photographer: Wait. I don’t mean to be weird, but there’s something very special about you.

Grandpa: Who me? [smiling] No.

Photographer: Yes, you must let me take your photo.

Grandpa: Oh, I don’t know. I’ve never had my picture taken before. [wears the hat]

Dustin: What about me?

Photographer: You can move your huge ass. Please, sir. Stand over there. [Grandpa throws the hat at Dustin and stands on the set] All right, here we go. Show me brooding. Yes, yes. Now get your smile on. Oh yes. Now, bite that lip and pop that hip. Yes, sir! Okay, now how about we do a silly one? Um-hmm. Yes. That was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. And I’ve seen Seinfeld.

Dustin: Is it my turn yet?

Photographer: Sounds like you jealous that your boyfriend is the real star.

Grandpa: That’s my grandpa.

Photographer: Shut up. Please, sir, a few more. Okay. You ski. Oh! God, man. That is exactly what skiing looks like. Now, how about cute shy boy? Aww, why so shy, cute boy? Come on out of that shell, won’t you? More. Yes, more, more. Come on. Yes, correct. Yes, that is exactly right.

Dustin: What am I supposed to be doing?

Photographer: How about you write a book about the time I saw your grandpa for the first time? Now, where were we?

Grandpa: No, we’ve had a laugh. But I think it’s time for this old man to go.

Photographer: No, no. Don’t you understand? The world needs to see what I see.

Grandpa: But you really think that if people saw this plain old face, there’d be no more war?

Photographer: Exactly.

Dustin: What?

[Colin Farrell walks in]

Colin Farrell: Hi, Colin Farrell here to get some head shots. I can come back later.

Photographer: Wait. This is gonna sound so weird. But there’s something very special about you.

Colin Farrell: Me? No.

Photographer: This is a crazy idea, but would you go stand next to him? Please? [Colin Farrell walks next to Grandpa] Um-hmm. Yes. Ah, yes. Just as I suspecte,d it works. Would you indulge me?

Colin Farrell: I don’t know. I’ve never had my picture taken before.

Dustin: That’s a lie.

Photographer: Silence. All right, boys, this changed the world. Okay. You’re buddies but sometimes you don’t get along. Oh, yes! Now, one of you is the president and one of you is meeting the President. Come on. Oh. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Finally. Double cute shy boy. Oh my god. Yes. [on the phone] Hello, Tiger Beat magazine? It’s your cousin Marvin Tiger Beat magazine. You know that sound you’ve been looking for? Well listen to this.

[cut to front page of Tiger beat magazine with Grandpa and Colin Farrell’s picture]

Dustin: Okay, is it my turn now?