Hello Kitty

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Cecily Strong

Molly Kearney

Marcello Hernandez

Bowen Yang

Keke Palmer

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Cecily and Molly training the trainees]

Cecily: Hello, everyone, welcome to new employee training here at New York City’s first ever Hello Kitty store.

Molly: Who’s excited? Show us.

Trainees: Whoo!

Marcello: Let’s do it.

Bowen: Can’t weit. I love Hello Kitty.

Keke: Me too. Dream job alert.

Molly: Now as employees, you have to be prepared to answer any questions about Sam Rios Official Hello Kitty story.

Cecily: Yes. So if you open to page five of your employee manuals, you’ll see a list of facts about Hello Kitty. So as you can see, she loves to bake cookies. She goes to school and she’s actually not a cat. She is a human little girl.

Sarah: Hah, intresting.

Marcello: I never knew that.

Bowen: What?

Keke: No.

Cecily: Yeah, it’s a fun fact, right?

Molly: Now, isn’t this a sweet one? Hello Kitty’s favorite food is a mama’s apple pie.

Bowen: Hey, why did you say hello kitty as a human little girl?

Cecily: Well, because it’s true. According to the creator’s Hello Kitty is a human little girl.

Keke: So you’re saying if you had a baby and it came out looking like Hello Kitty, you think that baby was a human baby?

Bowen: Because I would tell the doctor to throw it away.

Cecily: Well, that’s not at all what I’m saying. These are just the official Sanrio facts about Hello Kitty.

Molly: Maybe we should move on. So Hello Kitty is in third grade, and fun fact, she lives in London.

Marcello: [fake British accent] Oh wicked, in’it?

Sarah: Cheerios.

Cecily: Good. She also has a boyfriend Dear Daniel. And unlike Hello Kitty, he actually is the cat.

Bowen: So the girl is a person, but the one in the suit and ties the cat?

Cecily: Yeah.

Molly: Yes.

Bowen: Yeah, okay, that’s not gonna work for me.

Keke: And they’re dating. So you’re telling us these two are clapping cheeks bear back.

Cecily: Bear back? Yeah. Hey, no, we don’t talk that way at Sanrio.

Bowen: I’m sorry. Is this not crazy to you guys?

Sarah: I guess it’s a little weird, but I don’t care about this job. It just seems like an insane place to get high.

Molly: We’re almost done. Okay, if people ask, Hello Kitty loves candy. She weighs five apples tall and she weighs three apples.

Keke: She’s measured in apples?

Molly: She’s also in third grade. She was born in 1974.

Keke: So She’s 48 years old?

Bowen: You’re telling me she’s a 48 year old third grader who’s clapping cheeks with a cat, no Jimmy?

Cecily: Nah. Nah. We don’t talk about clapping cheeks at Sanrio.

Molly: She loves milk. Her favorite shoes are sandals.

Keke: What’s her race?

Cecily: What?

Keke: What’s Hello Kitty’s race?

Cecily: She doesn’t have one.

Bowen: You didn’t want to touch that one? She has an age, height, pet in relationship, but she’s raceless?

Keke: Okay, and she could just be anything, say she’s black.

Cecily: I’m sorry. Excuse me?

Keke: Say that little white girl is black.

Cecily: No. We’re not going to do that.

Bowen: Do you like this? Confusing us with your lies about Hello Kitty having sex and how big apples are?

Keke: Because we only recognize one big apple. New York. The best city in the world, and we’re not gonna let you ruin it.

Bowen: Who’s with us?

james: [holding a shovel] I am.

Punkie: [holding an axe] I am too.

Heidi: [wearing statue of liberty outfit] Because I am New York.

Devon: And I am New York.

Andrew: [wearing Spiderman costume] And if you mess with Hello Kitty, you mess with New York.

Michael: [walking in with Hello Kitty] Isn’t that right, Hello Kitty?

[Hello Kitty opens her kitty mask. It’s Natasha Leon.]

Natasha: Yeah. Just tell us the truth, lady.

Cecily: Natasha Leone. What do you want?

Natasha: This is New York. So say that Hello Kitty isn’t a little human girl. Say she’s a cat.

Cecily: Okay, fine. She’s a cat.

[everyone starts celebrating]

Bowen: Now, come on, everybody. I gotta sell tickets to see the Yankees on Broadway at Madison Square Garden.

All: New York!

Male voice: Hello Kitty is a human? Forget about it. Paid for by the city of New York.

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