Selena Gomez

Chris Redd

[Starts with Selena and Chris watching movie. They’re alone. Chris is using his phone and Selena notices it.]

Chris: I need a paper towel. [goes to the kitchen] Damn, we all out. I’ma go down to the bodega and get some real quick.

Selena: Right now?

Chris: Yeah, it’s right downstairs. I’ll be right back.

[Chris looks at the mirror and checks himself out before leaving. Selena notices this.]

Devil intuition: Don’t trust him?

Selena: Who said that?

[a devil appears on her left shoulder]

Devil intuition: You did? I’m your tuition.

Selena: No he’s not. [brushes the devil off her shoulder]

Devil intuition: He usually wipes his hands on his pants and now he needs bounty?

Selena: Okay, so where is he?

Devil intuition: [rapping] He by that bitch house

Selena: What?

Devil intuition: By that bitch house

Selena: What does that mean?

Devil intuition: He by that bitch house
That mean your man is creeping

Selena: Oh no.

Devil intuition: He by that bitch house

Selena: Okay, so what am I supposed to do?

Devil intuition: You hack into his Instagram account
to see if he telling the truth?

Selena: How?

Devil intuition: Like this, first you check all of his messages,
comments and DMS, all before he deletes
Once you read all that successfully
track his location, bitch hurry, I say it respectfully
This is the ‘Catch His ass’ recipe

Selena: Okay, so what do you want from me?

Devil intuition: Break is Xbox.

Selena: Okay.

[Selena pulls out his Xbox and throws it out the window. Chris walks in]

Chris: Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing? That’s my Xbox.

Selena: I don’t know. I felt like you were cheating or something. I’m sorry.

Chris: Baby, what? Okay, you know what? I’m gonna go out and get my Xbox out in the damn street and we’re going to talk about this. It’s damn paper towels.

[Chris walks out]

Devil intuition: You really think he gonna get a broken next Xbox?

Selena: Go away.

Devil intuition: [rapping] He by that bitch house

Selena: He’s not.

Devil intuition: By that bitch house

Selena: I can see him.

Devil intuition: He by that bitch house

Selena: So what the hell am I supposed to do?

Devil intuition: We need to check all his pocket
and look in his wallet, see if he got numbers for hoes

Selena: Then I look up in the closet
find lipstick on collars and smell for perfumes out his clothes

Smells normal

Devil intuition: Then break his TV.

Selena: Okay.

[Selena kicks the TV and breaks it. Chris walks in.]

Chris: Come on, this can happen every time I leave the damn house.

Selena: I’m sorry. It’s just I’ve dated so many basketball players and celebrities.

Chris: I’m sorry, what now?

Selena: But you’re just not like them. You’re my little Johnny.

Chris: Okay, we’re gonna talk about that nickname.

Selena: Okay, you know what? I’m gonna cool down and meet me in the bedroom.

Chris: [smiling] Okay.

[Selena walks into the room. Her phone starts getting many messages.]

[A devil appears on his left shoulder]

Devil intuition: [rapping] Dude, I think she thinks you cheating
Chris: Who that?

Devil intuition: And then she do that means
that she the one who out there creeping

Chris: Wait, what?

Devil intuition: She probably getting dude nudes

Chris: Nah!

Devil intuition: Getting dude nudes

Chris: For real?

Devil intuition: Getting dude nudes
and all their thingies are bigger than your’s

You gotta handle this carefully,
break in the phone and then check all her history

Chris: Teach me.

Devil intuition: Here’s how you unlock it it quickly
fits type birthday and then social security number
if that don’t work then unlock it by facing
the phone to her face while she’s sleeping 

Chris: Dude, what are you talking about, man? Who would even be texting her?

Devil intuition: I don’t know. LeBron James?

Chris: No! [he kicks the table and breaks it]

Selena: The hell?

Chris: Who you texting this late? Is it LeBron?

Selena: [yelling] It’s my mother.

Chris: [yelling] Well, I didn’t know that. But now I’m too mad, it’s too late to be rational.

Selena: Well, so am I.

Chris: Alright, so what the hell are we gonna do?

[Both devils appear on each of their shoulders]

Devil intuition: Have angry sex
have angry sex
have angry sex

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