Irish Play

[Starts with announcer on the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first preview of “A Storm Within” by acclaimed Irish playwright, Rory McFadden. And as I’m sure you’re aware, there is a penis in the show. Yes, we go there. And it better not end up online. If you post it, you will lose the penis. Okay? So just enjoy it, and then let it go. Also, everyone in the show has COVID. So these are all understudies. They’ve had 30 minutes of rehearsal backstage. We could have canceled tonight, but I’m gonna fight with my husband, so I need to be out of the apartment. Our fight may or may not be about the penis in the show. The penis is also being understudied, so I’m excited to see what that’s like. All right. Without further tattoo, we now present “A Storm Within”. That’s just gonna be good.

Melissa: Oh, this is gonna be good.

Mikey: Is that what you took from that?

[Cecily is crying with a baby in her arms]

Cecily: Line?

Announcer: Aalready? You don’t know your first line?

Cecily: No.

Announcer: It’s “Hush now, baby.”

Cecily: Oh, yeah, yeah. Hush, now, baby. Don’t wake your ma’am. She’s sleeping off drink in the other room again. Nan’s here to take care of— Line?

Announcer: Ya.

Cecily: Nan’s here to take care of ya. Is it the penis now?

Announcer: No, it’s an act two. It needs an hour to prep.

[Selena walks in]

Selena: What are you doing with my baby?

Announcer: What is that accent?

Selena: Sorry, I tried the Irish, that sounds weird. So I just did Australian.

Announcer: No, you’re not doing Australian.

Selena: Oh, I think I am mate.

Announcer: Oh my god. Please stop. Do you at least know your lines?

Selena: Yes. I need a line.

Announcer: I need money for whiskey.

Selena: Sorry. I don’t have any money.

Announcer: No, that’s your line. Just do the play.

Cecily: You saw him again, didn’t you? You always act this way when you see him.

Selena: What’s wrong? Are you afraid to say his name?

Cecily: Of course I’m not afraid. But you say it first. Just to remind me what it is.

Selena: No, you should, since you brought it up.

Cecily: Okay, well then, let’s just both say the same time. 1-2-3.

Selena and Cecily: 4-5.

Announcer: I’m assuming from this back and forth that you both forgot the name? It’s Seamus.

Cecily: Seamus. Oh, yeah. Oh, should we do the kiss now?

Selena: Yes. I could not wait more.

Announcer: No, no. You are mother and daughter. There is no kiss.

Mikey: Oh my god. This is horrible.

Melissa: I know. Think about that baby is gonna grow up.

Selena: Why won’t you give me the money, cow?

Cecily: Wash your mouth.

Announcer: It’s watch.

Cecily: Oh, I’m sorry. Wash your watch. I don’t care if you’re my daughter. I’ll call the police.

Selena: Ma’am, I’d be careful. You’re treading a very thin line.

Announcer: Line.

Cecily: What? Who’s?

Selena: What?

Announcer: What? The word line is your line.

Cecily: Oh.

Cecily and Selena: Line.

Announcer: No, not the both. Just keep going.

[door knocking]

Cecily: Who is that? Is that penis? Seamus?

Selena: Well, only one way to find out.

[Selena runs to a door and opens it]

Announcer: No, not that door. That’s where the dogs are at.

[the dogs run into the stage]

Melissa: Wow. It says here the dogs are understudies too.

Announcer: Okay, you know what? I’m just going to play all of the parts. You’ll know who I’m doing because I’ll be doing all of the voices. [clears throat] Ma’am, I didn’t want you to do this. But you’ve left me no choice. Is that our gun, girl? Yeah mate, I got it from Seamus

[Bowen walks in]

Bowen: Sorry, I know I’m early, but it’s ready and it needs to be now.

Announcer: What? It’s not supposed to be until act two.

Bowen: Sorry, it has to be now.

Announcer: Well, can you say the line at least?

Bowen: Curse of the Irish, more like blessing. What time is it? Dong o’clock, Ayuga.

Announcer: Okay, those are actually the lines. Just go ahead and show us.

[cut the the audience. They are shocked to see the penis]

Mikey: Wow, they really did go there.

Melissa: I told you.

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