Jerrod Carmichael Monologue

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Jerrod Carmichael

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]
[Cut to SNL stage]
[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jerrod Carmichael.

[Jerrod Carmichael walks in and to the stage]
[cheers and applause]

Jerrod Carmichael:¬†Thank you Thank you very, very much. I’m not going to talk about it. I want to be clear. Up top. I talked about it enough. Kept talking about it. Kept thinking about it. I don’t want to talk about it. And you can’t make me talk about it. But I got a question. Do you want to talk about it? Like, aren’t you sick of talking about it? Isn’t that kind of crazy? It feels like we’ve been talking about it for so long. I have. This is going to really blow your minds. Can you believe it’s been six days? Six days. This happened a week ago. Then it feels like it happened years ago. Doesn’t it feel like it happened when we were all in high school? Like it feels like it happened somewhere between Jamiroquai and 9/11. Like somewhere a long, long time ago. Feels like we’ve been living in the wake of it our entire lives.

It happened on Sunday. On Sunday. It’s Saturday, bro. On Monday, it was exciting. I’m not gonna lie. Monday, if this were Monday, you wouldn’t be able to get me to shut up about it. I was talking about it all Monday. Tuesday, I’m still talking about it. A little less exciting, because it stopped being about it. By Tuesday, it started being about a lot of proxy arguments and hair and black men and white people on Twitter. It was just too much by Tuesday. By Wednesday, I wanted to kill myself. I don’t really remember Thursday, but by Friday, I made a vow to myself. I promised myself I would never ever talk about it again.

Then Lorne came into my dressing room. He was like, “I think you need to talk about it.” He said the nation needs to heal. Turn your back on me Lorne. Nation needs to heal. I said, “The nation needs to what? Do you want me to do that?” The nation don’t even know me. The nation has no clue who I am. I have to be the least famous host in SNL. Like, the least. I was excited to come here–

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. I appreciate that. Just know those claps did nothing for my self esteem. I don’t know what you thought you were doing. Was it making it better? Were you make it better? I was happy. I was actually really happy to come here and talk to you guys and introduce myself. I’m Jerrod Carmichael, by the way. Hi, everyone. Hello.

[cheers and applause]

I have a new special out on HBO. It’s called “By family”. I really hope that you watch. In this special I come out as gay. Which is nice but unexpected response in New York. It’s actually why I live here. If you say you’re gay in New York, you can ride the bus for free and people just give you pizza. Honestly, if you’re gay and you’re in New York, you get to host Saturday Night Live. This is the gayest thing you could possibly do. Like, I came out right onto the stage. I basically came out. We’re basically like, Andy Warhol fever dream right now. Heal the nation. I’ve been gay for like 48 hours, bro. Like, there’s so much gay stuff I got to do where I can heal the nation. I have so many homophobic cousins. I can’t even heal my family. I’m gonna heal the nation? I was excited. I was excited to be here. I had a lot of things planned. Stuff I want to talk about. Actually really, one– We got time. Really quick. I don’t know how often I’m ever going to be on live TV. And I know I’ll never get to talk to him. So I have to do this. Barack Obama, you want to meet me to camera two really fast. Hey B, what’s going on, man? You don’t know me, I’m Jerrod. Nice to meet you. So real quick, you just chillin right now? You’re just not working? You just writing books? Which is nice. I bought the last one but it’s like 900 pages. Anyway, you got us all hopped up on hope and change. And unfortunately, I have some news for you Barack. You’re not going to like this. We need you back because I think you’re gonna have to talk about it. The nation needs to heal. We have a great show tonight. You excited? Gunna is here. Stick around we’ll be right back.

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