Jewish Elvis

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Bert… Bowen Yang

Jewish Elvis… Sarah Sherman

Lois… Austin Butler

Cecily Strong

Laura… Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with audience talking in a show. Most of them are elderly women.]

Cecily: Okay, these are very good seats.

Laura: I mean, very good seats.

Chloe: Wow grandma, I didn’t realize your retirement home had its very own theater. I mean this is fantastic.

Cecily: Oh no. The Oasis has it all. A nightclub.

Laura: A sauna.

Cecily: Carpeted bathroom.

Laura: Carpeted locker rooms.

Cecily: And a steakhouse where everything is well done. Except the service.

Chloe: Grandma, what’s wrong with Lois?

Lois: Oh my god, he’s here it’s in the building. Oh my freaking god. It’s really happening.

Laura: She’s just excited for the show.

Cecily: Well, Laura, we all are. I mean, first night of Hanukkah when they really kick things off with a bang.

Chloe: I don’t understand. Who are you also excited to see?

Lois: Oh, oh, there he is. There he is.

All: Oh my god, it’s Jewish Elvis. Ah!

[Jewish Elvis is dancing and the audience are cheering for him]

Lois: Oh my god.

Jewish Elvis: Thank you. Thank you very much. [cheers and applause] Can somebody turn up the AC? I’m schimtzing like a friggin hound dog up here. Ah, what are you gonna do? It’s Viva Las Vegas.

Lois: Oh my god, I’m so horny. I’m gonna friggin explode.

Chloe: I’m sorry. I don’t get it.

Cecily: Yes, I can explain. He’s Jewish Elvis.

Chloe: Right. But…

Cecily: Quiet. He’s back to sing.

Jewish Elvis: Wise men say
Who is wise men? 

Why are they so wise?
only fools rush in
what’s the rush?
everybody just relax
I can’t help
I could help,
I don’t want to
I’m tired
my back hurts
I can’t help ordering a diet coke
at every restaurant I go to

Lois: Oh, he sings like a freaking angel. Oh my god.

Chloe: I mean it’s a little bit of singing but it’s mostly complaining.

Laura: Yeah, he’s Jewish Elvis. Hello! Are you stupid?

[Jewish Elvis starts dancing]

Jewish Elvis: Everybody wants me to do my moves.

Cecily: Oh my god. Yes, please.

Lois: I’m like Niagara Falls over him. My chair is gonna friggin drown. [pulls out her underwear] Oh, ruin me, Jewish Elvis. Ruin me. [throws her underwear to the stage]

Jewish Elvis: Oh, gross. No, thank you. I think you everything bangles got a little too much cream cheese on it. You know what I’m saying?

Laura: This is the best night of my life.

Chloe: Night? It is 4:30 in the afternoon.

Jewish Elvis: My God, I got she was no I got schmutz all over my suit. Was no one gonna tell me I got schmutz all over my friggin suit? I mean, what is this? Mustard? I’m walking around like a goofball with mustard on my friggin little scarf? I mean, oh my god this is a zizzaster.

Chloe: Did he just say zizzaster?

Lois: It’s his famous catchphrase. Whooo!

Bert: All right, hello. Sorry everyone. I’m Bert the director of the retirement home.

Cecily: No! Get your fat ass of the stage.

Lois: You are blocking Jewish Elvis. You fat a-hole.

Bert: Ladies, calm down. Apparently somebody broke the toilet in the handicapped stall. [Jewish Elvis slowly walks out of the stage] It’s completely flooded and covered and blue rhinestones. Witnesses said there was a man inside screaming “Oh no, it won’t go down. This is zizzaster.” Jewish Elvis, is there anything you want to say?

Jewish Elvis: Yeah. Hey, what are you gonna do? Viva Las Vegas.

Cecily: Get off the stage. Fat sub.

Chloe: Wait guys, where is Lois?

Cecily: I don’t know. Oh my god. She’s on the stage.

[Lois is on the stage with Jewish Elvis]

Jewish Elvis: Sing it with me, mommy.

My stomach hurts
sing it with me

Lois: I got a bad cramp

Jewish Elvis: I love you. Together.

Both: I think I accidentally had dairy
all together y’all
All: We can’t go on together
with delicious cheese
we all got diarrhea
from delicious cheese

Jewish Elvis: Happy blue Hanukkah everyone. From all of us and Jewish Elvis.

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