Taylor… Chloe Fineman
Sandy… Cecily Strong
Grandma… Kate McKinnon
Benedict Cumberbatch[Starts with Taylor using phone in her bed] [Sandy walks in]
Sandy: Hey, no phone. You’re grounded. Remember?
Taylor: Oh my God, I didn’t even do anything that bad mom.
Sandy: Really? Taylor, you came home drunk? You’re 17 years old.
Taylor: Come on, like you never drank when you were my age?
Sandy: In high school? No, not even a SIP. Never.
Alcohol was not even on my radar at your age.[cut to Sandy throwing up]
Boy: Yo, it’s not a party until sloppy sandy pukes
Sandy: I’m okay.[cut back to present]
Taylor: Well, sorry, I’m not just like you, mom. Sorry. I’m not perfect.
Sandy: I wasn’t perfect, Taylor. I made mistakes. I did things that I regret.[cut to Sandy having sex with Mikey at the backseat of the car]
Mikey: I can’t believe we’re not virgins anymore.
Sandy: I did a couple things I regret.[cut to Sandy having sex with Bown at the backseat of the car]
Bowen: Can’t believe we’re not virgins anymore.
Sandy: I know, right?[cut back to present]
Taylor: Name one mistake you made.
Sandy: Okay. You know what? Fine. Here’s one. I failed a test once. It was a big test.[cut to Sandy being tested for DUI}
Sandy: I’m sorry.[cut back to present]
Sandy: The point is, I never did anything so stupid, it followed me through my whole life. [There’s a picture of a marijuana leavs having dreadlocks and wearing hippie cap on her ass] [Grandma walks in]
Grandma: Everything alright here?
Taylor: Yeah, grandma. We’re fine. Mom, you want to keep telling me how much of a dum bass I am.
Mom: Taylor! Can you believe the way she speaks to me? I would never have spoken to your grandma that way.
Sandy: Suck my beef, you old bitch.[cut back to present]
Grandma: No, we always got along pretty well.[cut to Sandy and her mom having argument]
Grandma: Sandy, if I catch you smoking cigarettes again, I will shave your fucking hair.[cut back to present]
Grandma: Now, Taylor, your mom told me got a little while at a party. I’m all for having fun, but call me old fashioned, I think there’s a certain way that a young lady ought to behave.[cut to when grandma was young. She’s at David Bowie’s concert]
Grandma when she was young: David Bowie! I love you, David. David, my panties. David!
Taylor: I know.
Granda: Okay? Let’s have dinner. Love you.
Taylor: You told grandma?
Mom: Of course I did, honey. I’m worried about you.[Ben walks in]
Ben: What are you worried about?
Taylor: Nothing. I’m fine. I went to one party. Meanwhile, mom’s acting like she never had fun in her life.
Ben: Ha-ha. Well, and I met your mind college, she certainly knew how to have a good time.
Ben: But she always kept it in control.[cut to when Ben and Sandy were young at a party]
Ben: How many pills did you take?
Sandy: Three. What is the problem?
Ben: You blew my roommate.
Sandy: I thought it was you.[cut back to present]
Ben: She’s telling you, it’s only because she loves us so much.
Taylor: I know.
Sandy: I’m just trying to look out for you. Come here. Give me a hug. You know you’re still grounded. But you can have your phone back.
Taylor: Yes![message notification]
Siri: Text Message from Ryan. Parents gone. Come over for eggplant emoji.
Sandy: Never mind. You know, I know what this means. Yeah.[cut to message screen]
Message: You may not have been a perfect person, but you’e a perfect mom. Happy mother’s day.