Keke Palmer Monologue

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Keke Palmer

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]
[Cut to SNL stage]
[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Keke Palmer.

[Keke Palmer walks in and to the stage]
[cheers and applause]

Keke Palmer: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m so excited to be here in New York. It’s Christmas time. The tree is lit. And most importantly, it’s Sagittarius season. And that’s lit for me because I’m a Sagittarius moon, honey. Yes, I’m very into astrology. And I know a lot of bros out there are gonna say astrology is not real. And to that, I say how’s that crypto going?

Honestly, guys, this has been an awesome year for me. I was in Jordan Peele Nope. And I was nominated for an Academy Award. It’s not true, but it’s not lying if I’m manifesting.

That’s one of those things you just learn to do in this business. Manifest, honey. I’ve been acting since I was nine years old. My first big role was in a movie I did called ‘Akeelah and the Bee’. It was such a great experience. I had so much fun, except for when I got yelled at by Laurence Fishburne. No, for real, for real. We’re doing a dramatic scene. And I just started laughing at his ass. But God, I had a good reason. Just imagine. I’m a little kid watching the 40 year old man cry to me about winning a National Spelling Bee. It was hysterical. But when I started laughing, he read me for field. It was like “No, you can’t do this. This is not what will actors do.” And my mama she went off on him. Y’all go she is so Chicago. She started screaming, “I don’t care if you was in the Matrix.”

It was good times. And I honestly do appreciate that he did that. I mean, even though it was intense. I mean, he taught me how to be a professional in real time. And I’m taking lessons from everyone I’ve worked with. Aziz Ansari recently gave me some good advice on being SNL. He was like “Keke, just get up on stage. You’re funny. You’re funnier than me. And I’m Aziz.” He didn’t exactly say that, but that’s what I heard. Delusional queen.

I’m especially glad to be here though, because there’s some rumor going around. People have been in my comments saying “Keke’s having a baby. Keke’s pregnant.” And I want to set the record straight. [She opens her coat’s button. She has a pregnant belly.] I am.

[cheers and applause]

I gotta say though, it is bad when people on it it spread rumors about y’all. But it’s even worse when they’re correct. I mean, I was trying so hard to keep it on a down low because I got a lot of stuff going on. People come up to me, “Congratulations.” I’m like, “Shh, can you all stop? I got a liquor sponsorship on the line.” Let the check clear, then we can get to the damn baby shower.

But honestly, this has been the biggest blessing. And I’m so excited guys. I’m going to be a mom. Even though some people feel a little weird about me having a baby because I was a child actor. I just want to say, look, I’m 29, I’m grown. Okay? I have sex. I own a home. I stormed the Capitol on January 6. You know, things that dogs do. I’m kidding.

Y’all know I’m the same person I always been. And I’m proud of it. Matter of fact, when I first got into comedy, and I dreamed to standing on this stage, I asked myself, “Keke, who you be? Will you be like a Maya Rudolph, Eddie Murphy, Kristen Wiig type?” And now that I’m here, I can tell you exactly who I am. Baby, I’m Keke Palmer.

We’ve got a great show for you tonight. SZA is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

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