Meatballs

Sarah Sherman

Alan… Chris Redd

[Starts with Sarah and Alan talking]

Sarah: And that’s why he didn’t go to grad school. Amazing.

Alan: You know, had a great time tonight.

Sarah: Me too. We’ve had three incredible dates.

Alan: Yeah, definitely. Hey, can I ask you something?

Sarah: Anything?

Alan: What do you always wear that green ribbon around your neck?

Sarah: [nervous] What do you mean?

Alan: I’ve just never seen you without it. Why don’t you take it off?

Sarah: I hoped you wouldn’t notice. Look, Alan, I’ll show you but please don’t let it affect the way you see me.

Alan: Of course.

Sarah: All right, here we go.

[Sarah opens takes off the ribbon from her neck. There’s a huge ball of meat hanging on her neck. The ball is singing]

There. Now you know. There’s a little meatball guy on the side of my neck and every time I take the green ribbon off and expose him to light, he wakes up and sings his little songs. Does that clear things up for you?

Alan: Totally. 100%.

Sarah: Now, where were we? [leaning to kiss]

Alan: Just one question. Is that little tiny hands sticking off the top of your shirt?

Sarah: Urgh. I was hoping you wouldn’t notice. [Sarah opens the button of her shirt. There’s another ball of meat on her chest singing.] And to answer your question, yes, they harmonize and sing together in time.

[The two balls start singing together]

Then there’s these guys.

[She has two more on her arm]

And  this one kind of munches on a block of cheese.

[There’s another one on her shoulder holding a piece of cheese]

And this one just kind of spits up.

[There’s another one on her stomach that’s vomiting.]

And the Big Daddy brings it all together.

[There’s another one on her thigh singing]

Meatball: We are little meatball men
singing our little meatball song
We are little meatball men
join us please and sing along

Alan: Okay. Yeah, I think I get it. You can go ahead and cover them now

Sarah: Oh, no, no. Once they get on a roll like this, it’s better to just keep on going until they get tuckered out.

[The balls are singing]

Meatball: We are little meatball men
made of balls of body meat
we are little meatball men
snacking on our cubes of cheese

my name is chunky

and my name is Poppolim

my name is Joby

my name is Jim

Alan: Have you ever talked to a doctor about getting them removed?

Sarah: No, it’s not necessary. After a few years, they just dry up and fall off into the toilet.

Meatball: Hey, buddy, I’m hungry. Give me some on cheese.

[The vomiting meatball vomits on Alan’s shirt]

Alan: Oh, gross.

Sarah: Oh, don’t worry about that. It’s not poisonous or anything. It’ll just stain your clothes. And it is poisonous.

Alan: Okay, look. Sam, I think we’re moving too fast.

Meatball: Oh no, here he comes.

Meatball: Oh, this is so awkward. I can’t bear to watch.

Sarah: Are you serious? You’re dumping me? Just coming out of nowhere. I mean, I suppose if I had to guess, I’d say it had maybe something to do with the meatball?

Alan: No. No. [pausing] Oh yeah, it’s the meatballs.

Sarah: Wow. [sobbing]

Alan: Hey, I’m sorry. Is that a piano in your armpit?

[Sarah shows her armpit. Charli XCX is singing there]

Charli XCX: Don’t give up on love just because of some meatballs
Don’t give up on this girl because she’s got a little meatballs
Someday you’ll realize, that in the end
true love will always win

Meatball: And I’m Jim

Alan: You know what? The meatballs are right. I wanna make it work.

Sarah: Really?

Meatballs: We finally got a boyfriend! Yay!

[They kiss. Alan immediately starts to choke]

Alan: What the hell?
Sarah: Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention. They’re extremely contagious.

Alan: [screaming] No!